Night Visions, February 2018
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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(Dates of awakening listed)
Motel 6, Big 5 And Fish 4 (February 28, 2018)
I read an article about a motel supervisor losing their job when one of their staffers accepts a drawing of a cat as ID for "unsupervised" 20-year-olds seeking a room. I go to my aunt's old apartment—which is apparently now the motel in question—to investigate, and even though I present proper ID, the clerk smells a sting, steals my car and books it. Oh, joy.
Skip to the 1250; a random young man is in our kitchen about to use pepper that is over 20 years old. I stop him and point him toward a fresher option, which he promptly spills in my grits by accident (saving me a step, but still; I didn't want THAT much.)
Next, down the hall, my grandma and I deal with a mess in the john, which includes a pile of rubbish where the toilet used to be, loads of glass, two sizable silverfish corpses, and a four-legged goldfish with a limp.
Things close with me taking my adult cousin Raishaun shoe-shopping at Big 5. I leave momentarily to the outdoor hoop court, where three doctor-types who aren't even playing talk smack and intimidate me because I can't dunk. My "Lemme see YOU dunk" is met with laughter, leading me to return inside. There, I'm faced with more puzzling behavior—my cuz is trying on the first of roughly 20 pairs of kicks, all stacked up, all of which are absurdly small.
Is This Road In...Salem? (February 26, 2018)
I'm in a restaurant that's supposed to close at 10pm...except tonight they close at 9:50 pm before I have a chance to put my pants back on. I stand there with the other customers in a poorly-wrapped blanket around my lower half waiting to pay my $10.54 bill. When I tell the manager to keep the change from my $20, she allows me to walk out with the blankets. I go around back to my car, where my pants are. FINALLY, some privacy!
...uh, not quite. Turns out my car is in FRONT—along with prying eyes. As I attempt to sneak to it, I end up back INSIDE the restaurant somehow, triggering the alarm (which sounds like an alarm clock.) Then an electronic female voice is heard: "Shutting...down" disabling the alarm and allowing me to escape. Next thing I know, I'm driving down the road with Melissa Joan Hart porn pulled up on my laptop. See? It ended well.
The .00002 Million Dollar Man (February 25, 2018)
Though the 1250 (my childhood home) has new occupants, I swing by to pick up mail—which is apparently left unsecured by the sidewalk these days. Sure enough, there's a few pieces for my family, and the new family meets me out front. It's a mom and three tween daughters; all seem nice enough, and I ask them to please take care of my onetime childhood bedroom. (What does that entail exactly, not burning it down?) But then I bore/creep them out with an in-depth description of the logistics during my time there.
They walk off in one direction and I bike away in another; a fellow biker tries to smalltalk me as he proceeds to openly litter burger wrapper. "I DON'T TALK TO LITTERERS!" the slovenly dude is told. Boy...I REALLY showed that guy, huh? That'll teach him.
Skip to a very troubling film starring 1970s Lee Majors and 2000s Molly Price—Majors is an incredibly abusive husband, and Price is the gal devoted to him and living to please him. Early on, he tracks down a guy who dated her while they were separated...and beats him senseless. He learns from a (terrified) shop bookie that Price borrowed the last $20 from his account, and proceeds to beat her right there in public. At one point, she does seem ready to flee, with the support of a (male) friend. But when said friend hears her having sex with Majors rather than leaving him, he gives up on Price and leaves her life.
Later in the movie—after she's gone blind (but not because of him)—Majors learns Price's red truck's been driven, and since she obviously couldn't do it, he finds the man who did and beats him senseless. It's a chilling lesson in dysfunction, and I didn't know my mind was capable of going there.
Being under the influence of NyQuil IRL led to extra ZZZ's—meaning more dreams. The fun included:
Sitting in an arena using a "portable desktop" computer while turned around in my seat. Fearing I'm disturbing the ladies around me, I pack it up and leave...only to forget the monitor
Searching for the soundtrack to the new INV show Kidnapping '16,
My neighbor's patio, covered in poop and separated from my living room by a screen door. Josie is punished for crossing the threshold to play on it
Intense struggles trying to conquer one of those moving Super Mario Bros. levels
Going all-out to schedule a softball game, complete with a food truck and more—only for rain to wash it out after one inning and the only people who stick around to eat are people whose names I don't even know.
"My First Client Was Jennifer Tilly" (February 23, 2018)
In a flashback to Me, Myself & Irene, Jim Carrey is in a fight with some dude for the love of Traylor Howard (it isn't Tony Cox this time.) While sitting in a library pining over her, an older chick recognizes him from a cigarette ad she saw and wonders "What did you do with yourself?" Too forlorn to be truthful, Carrey replies "I gave up cigarettes and got into law."
Skip to my mother and I arriving to a storage unit adjacent to a gas station; we must remove a headboard that is in three pieces. Mom annoys me with questions like "Does your blue one glow like this red one does?" (NO) and "Can we cut up the cardboard?" (No, we need it to slide the headboard around).
A couple of young women are behind us; one totally eavesdrops and backs up my use of the cardboard, even though I didn't really ask for or need any support. Her kid then climbs out of his stroller just to dance with me, leading my mom to go on and on about kids' love for me. She then lies about having a grandkid. Riveting stuff, I know—remember, YOU chose to read it.
Green Uniforms Doesn't Mean We're The Army! (February 22, 2018)
Me and several other large men in A's uniforms run behind the Oakland Coliseum to investigate a terror threat (?). When that's over, Raiders announcer Greg Papa oversees my indoor Oakland A's tryout, which begins with this drill: run to the wall, leap against it, catch and fire back to the infield. I perform the drill...but painfully slowly with little athleticism. Knowing I blew it, I fire my phone across the room, which causes me great embarrassment when Papa and I are the last to leave the place. (The phone is never found)
Don't Your FEET Work, Lady? (February 20, 2018)
My IRL-defunct baseball league has resumed play, The first game begins without me set up at my catching position, because, even 8.5 years after my last game, I still manage to be late for this one. Somebody drills a base hit to bring a runner around to score. Nothing unusual about this play... ...except for some reason, I fling my mitt off in the middle of the play—the throw home is bobbled, and a run scores that probably shouldn't have.
At that point, everyone leaves in disgust. I, of course, am parked far from the field, and find myself trying to hustle through a sizable street festival...featuring elephants, performers and the works...with my shirt unnecessarily raised.
The next day, I meet up with two fellow players for drinks at some outdoor lounge. Problem is, they're both already blitzed, and there's nothing redeeming about the floozies they're with, so I leave as quickly as I arrived.
Skip to my "new" job doing FedEx delivery with my IRL 5th-grade teacher Mr. Kleine (making his second NV appearance this week). I attempt to deliver to a Lucky's grocery store but—after being forced to wait behind two of THE nappiest heads I've ever seen—the clerk refuses the box because the store got a new phone number and she can't call the manager.
Next, I'm a guest on a show hosted by "Mr. Hunt", where we discuss pussification of American boys. After the show, we walk outside talking Harrison Ford's INV new book until we get text alerts that Brendan Fraser has died at age 63.
Skip to some high school; I'm watching a bunch of girls in some swimming drill that features three leaps at the midway point. Post-drill, coach realizes one girl didn't leap, so she dives back in the pool fully clothed to redo the exercise. Apparently all of this is my fault and I'm given a referral to the principal's office.
The "office" turns out to be the portable classroom of my IRL 11th-grade history teacher, Mr. Ching. With only a week left in the year, I'm extra-defiant/blase about the matter, going as far as tossing the referral at Ching as I plop in a seat. But believe me, I AM penalized—he makes me sit with a sophomore and listen to his problems. End vision.
...Do You Carry That Around, Just In Case? (February 19, 2018)
I'm in some class with my bitter ex to my right, a lovely female on my left, and a Family Guy episode playing on the projector. When the ex notices me (GASP!) speak to the other chick, cue snide, jealous under-her-breath comments. When that doesn't phase either of us, she "removes" some sizable block of crud from my hair, in an effort to illustrate how gross I supposedly am.
Skip to me, my bud Armando, another dude I haven't seen in 20 years, and a few others kicking a soccer ball along a park fence. Nearby a full game begins, so we move to a different area of the park to be out of their way. Resuming play, I accidentally kick one onto the game field, where the asshole goalie responds by kicking the ball over a fence about 100 feet away. Knowing I'm severely outnumbered if I challenge the guy, I instead show ecstasy over his "totally awesome" kick, laying it on thick with applause and awe.
It has the desired effect.
Lastly, some "bro" wants me to attend his party and bring a hottie for him; I decide on actress Kelly Monaco. It is not said how I have access to Kelly Monaco, or what she did to deserve being saddled with that clown.
SVU: Sergeant Vaults Unconscious (February 17, 2018)
I really need to dial it back on the Dick Wolf dramas if they're appearing this frequently in Night Visions.
Tonight, Benson and Rollins from Law & Order: SVU are in pursuit of a suspect, who ducks in some bushes. Benson loses him, and to make matters worse, topples down a long and steep staircase...not moving a muscle upon hitting the ground.
Rollins navigates the stairs and runs right past her fallen colleague, comically ignoring her as she pounds on the door. The vision's remainder consists of multiple people, including the suspect, taking turns carrying Benson's limp (but alive) body around trying to figure out how to revive her...but never actually calling for help and ultimately dumping her in the nearby woods.
By Chance, Were They...BLOWfish? (February 16, 2018)
More Law & Order: Just as in his IRL final episode, off-duty Ed Green shoots an armed punk and gets in trouble. At the precinct, the overly-confident Green is confronted by a fellow cop who sternly warns him brotha-to-brotha the risks of trusting the system. Green appears to take it all in...then mocks the guy behind his back.
Next thing I know, Green is changing a baby on my bed as he loads a moving truck (how the hell the truck fits in my room is not explained). Being the generous guy I am, I gift him with the cardboard he changed the baby on. The two of us then watch a televised case starring Ben Affleck as a cop set up for moving drugs and killing numerous fish in the process. The presentation is jumbled and I'm never able to follow...
Skip to "my" kitchen, outside which is my backyard. An interloping dog shows up, leaps through the kitchen window, runs through my house and out another window to the FRONT yard. If that's not enough trespassing, two kids emerge in the back yard.
The dog returns to the back yard (using an outdoor route) and harasses one kid away. I run out as well and shoo the dog off, but Kid #2 is still lingering for some reason. So I do what any sane person would do and beat him senseless with a shovel. Can you spell "jail time"?
Tonight's festivities end with me clobbering a long two-strike home run off an unknown pitcher in an unknown league. Chicks saw it, which is all that matters.
I Get A Stiff, I Give A Stiff (February 15, 2018)
Happy turn of events: I get the surprise treat of soap actress Kristina Wagner strutting around post-shower in the 1250...even in her 50s she is nice to view.
Unhappy turn of events: an ex of my mother moves into the 1250 garage...and dies there. The mortuary instructs us to drive him to them and not the other way around. I ride in back while my mom, uncle and what's left of the ex occupy the front.
Making matters worse, somehow we manage to drive to the wrong mortuary, lengthening the ordeal.
Shoulda Made Reservations; We're Popular! (February 14, 2018)
On air: some new version of Law & Order; in the opening credits we get six actors...but four names? Whatever.
Two people have been fried to death, and as one of the detectives, I ask Medical Examiner Rodgers a question. Her response: "I'LL be running this exam." Me: "Whoa, okay, my bad." Someone down a couple and give that woman some sex.
One victim's "special" son is unwisely trying to view his now-crispy mom; despite my efforts to prevent it, he catches a glimpse and predictably wigs out until a real POS cop warns "We can blind your dad, too", whatever that's supposed to mean.
On the way out, I spot the DA and, like any responsible professional, decide to feel her up. But before I can several of us are...cauterizing our wounds? When the hell did wounding happen?
Mercifully skip to some patio—Will Smith has just learned Uncle Phil was going to molest him earlier that day (and, as I discover upon confrontation, still intends to.) I have to literally beg Will not to kill him during the climatic "scene", even as the creepily-smiling Phil openly grabs for his nephew.
In closing, my old baseball teammate Cav is stabbed twice by a pair of 4th-graders, but the ER reports a one-hour wait. "I moved you up; it'd normally be 13!" the clerk remarks after we complain.
Checkout? Checkout These Moves! (February 13, 2018)
At some park, I meet a couple with a baby; we'll call them Craig and Jane. (They resemble the actor Wes Ramsey and the news personality S.E. Cupp with shorter hair, for imagery.) Somehow we all end up making a late lunch date and meet up later at Target, of all places, to dine. (Oddly, there's another Target right across the street. Maybe that's SuperTarget, who knows.)
We get along well, talking Eddie DeBartolo and such, and then hit the...dance floor? Yes, this store has a dance floor, and Jane and I have some fun while Craig simmers in jealousy (though we are doing NOTHING inappropriate.) We dance on until I hoist Jane and tweak her back somehow; night over. The next day, I see both of them checked in to the store on Facebook, but opt not to friend request either of them just yet.
Instead, I return to the park—they aren't there, but a small gathering is in the bleachers. I joke with them until we see five nearby youths starting to fight. These kids look like real trouble; one of them is thrown to the ground and two others run like mad. One of the remaining youths approaches the bleachers; for a moment it seems like he's going for a weapon. Though he does not, we still hear blood-curdling screams from down the road, motivating me to retreat.
Next thing I know, I'm in my parked car along Richmond Parkway in Richmond, CA—naked under a blanket, with my clothes on the ground nearby. OF COURSE a couple of women from my past happen upon me and book it when they realize. Eventually some dudes take my clothes, cross the road and start to drive away; I'm able to intercept them and even give them $20 for giving my wardrobe back without hassle. What a great land.
Finally, I end up at Craig and Jane's building, where my mom somehow buzzes their Intercom by accident. Craig just happens to be outside; I feverishly convince him I didn't ring the buzzer, nor was I after his wife, and apologize for any trouble. To my surprise, he accepts, but then informs me his family is moving to the Philippines—it's best for the baby. (?)
Eventually, Jane comes down and confirms the pending move. I try to be supportive, but am genuinely sad. Rather than the usual bizarre comedy I'm so used to, this night vision wound up a real heartstring-tugger—I felt like I really lost a good friend upon awakening. (Thankfully, there was random terror and nudity to balance everything out.)
NYPD Flew (February 12, 2018)
San Francisco Bay Area news anchor Terilyn Joe is murdered in Seattle; for some reason I'm motivated to text words of consolation to my buddy Jason, who to my knowledge has no connection to Ms. Joe.
Skip to a TV show about the dangers of blood—some dude is bleeding on the second floor of a warehouse and Skillz the witness must not let on that he has AIDS. I urgently leave the scene until realizing: I'm not connected to anyone or anything there; why am I trippin'?
Then comes some weirdness with Dennis Franz and his occasional NYPD Blue co-star Carmine Caridi—Franz wants to board a helicopter; Caridi won't let him. Finally, Franz tricks Caridi and sneaks in through the opposite entrance...with Caridi "hot on his tail". When both are on board, the pilot radios in "We have two fat louts on board."
(It should be noted I'd fallen asleep with Blue playing on the tube.)
Thievery, Negligence, Indifference And Stupidity (February 11, 2018)
Things begin with me shopping at Ross with the late soap actor Phil Carey. Yahoo.
Next, I'm at my old middle school, where out of the blue I dash after a bouncing football and run it about 500 feet across a muddy field to the road. Next thing I know I'm outside a small bus with an ambulance inside—the ambulance carries a patient, and it's my job to lower the ambulance to the ground using an electric lift.
Unfortunately, I'm an idiot and botch the job, crashing the ambulance to the ground and breaking a wheel. Naturally, this motivates me to flee up the road (passing a number of deformed yet roided-up peeps along the way.)
Then there's a brief, random scene with my daughter barging in on me as I try to dress. She also adds the wife-beater (her term) I'm wearing makes me look fat. INV Josie is much less likable than IRL Josie.
Skip to a shopping center; an old friend of my mom's picks me up from a grocery kiosk of some sort. He complains that he can't afford their $75 meal unless he splits the cost with "interanet" users. I sit silently.
Final clips include me helping my buddy Ryan tenderize a steak—only to find it escaped from the pan somehow, and diving on cement to help corral some 10-year-old girl's runaway mutt.
"NO! I Saw Scratchy In There!" (February 10, 2018)
Outside my aunt's old place, Josie tries on our cousin's motorcycle helmet for no reason; we then go to enter aunt's building but Josie is now a cat and adamantly refusing to enter—even managing to utter out a couple of terrified "NOs".
Moments later, we're at Target; Josie is human again and needing the code for the restroom. An employee provides it, and as I wait in an apparel section for Josie, the employee drops one kids-related platitude after another as she circles through the area. She's nice, but after the fourth one I basically ignore her because I'm not nice.
After finishing at Target, we hit up Domino's, entering through the back door for some reason. Inside, the delivery driver quietly loads up his orders as his colleague Travis explains they're a little shorthanded because somebody—implied to be an employee—died. The delivery guy doesn't acknowledge Travis in any way, and after he's gone, Travis sarcastically quotes "Gee, sorry for your loss, Travis."
Perhaps Vampires Play Futbol? (February 8, 2018)
Things begin with me attempting to use a Coinstar at 6am...only to find it already in use. WTH?! When my turn does come, I anger myself by asking permission to plug it back in rather than just doing it, and walk out in shame without even using it.
Skip to the lower (basement?) level of my new living quarters, shared with my IRL ex. I'm supposed to pick my mom up at 12:10 but space out until 12:20. The ensuing scramble for keys and an umbrella further slow me but I finally make it to mom's location...only for the car to simply stop moving. After much desperation, the reverse gear moves the car forward and I get mom. She needs to go to her INV other job—high school soccer coach—but it's not explained who the hell needs soccer coaching at 12:45 AM.
I then show up at my ex's INV bartending job; she's fast asleep but I make funny comments to the brothas at the bar...acceptance!
In closing, an episode of Friends is underway; Ross and Chandler crash a car with an important wedding dress packed in wood boxes (plural?). Luckily they're loaned a motorcycle and make it to the bride's aunt—aunt thinks the damage to the boxes are caused by her niece's temper; the guys do not correct her. Elsewhere, a large girl goes on about her insecurity and then smooches Rachel...nice.
"Breakup? NO, I Said FEELUP. You Need A Better Phone" (February 7, 2018)
Some lowlifes are intentionally ramming my uncle's car in the 1250 driveway. Naturally, I approach them—they're more or less laughing it off until I grab one of them by the neck. As their demeanor switches into fight mode, I lie and insist "I just wanna talk" trying to coax them out of the car. Before I can execute my planned violent response...
...skip to me at my old elementary school, at present-day age, needing to use the bathroom. Hey, there's my 5th-grade teacher Mr. Kleine's room, and he's there! Sweet relief!...wait, you're not letting me use the bathroom? Boo.
Strange end: George Costanza from Seinfeld wants to dump his new girlfriend, who lives on an upper floor of a giant housing complex that apparently lacks elevators. He reaches a second-floor landing/view area, encounters her there, and molests her legs instead. Sometimes convenience is the answer...
Movin' On Up...To The Big House (February 6, 2018)
Goddamnit Ashton Kutcher again...you the audience must swear I have a hard-on for the guy. NO IDEA why he keeps popping up but here he is again, celebrating a birthday with his class (?) at a park. One classmate of his/ours absolutely REFUSES to participate in any way, but I'm still able to round up randoms from throughout my life to attend.
Somehow, after things wind down, I wind up in the corner of the park naked, trying desperately to re-dress before being seen by anyone, especially children. I do not succeed.
Skip to a rather luxury prison which is housing George Jefferson. Weezy, Tom and Helen (hiding something in her wheelchair) vist, during which Weezy's dad calls. Apparently this is part of George's escape plan for he uses a sheet to do just that. However, he quickly returns, somehow aware an official is coming to quiz him on the board games he supposedly played with his guests (to rule out any funny business.) The escape mission is postponed.
Skip to my old high school; after great parking difficulty and nearly leaving the door unlocked next to some "badasses", my mom, cousin and I seek to play the A-Team board game owned by one of the teachers (who isn't in). We're still allowed to access the game, but rather than play, I overdose on old clips of the show. Nostalgia... Next, I'm Jerry Seinfeld—along with Elaine and Kramer, I'm thrown out of prison (if only it were that easy) into a heavy rain. We make our way to a pool hall, but it's rather leaky, and Kramer slips and falls right on his ass (which I applaud).
Back outside, a crowd of locals is gathered for buses out of town. Some of them engage with us, but I can't decipher their New England lingo OR their creepy hand-holding. The buses arrive, but I get separated from the others and end up physically lifting people from the steep bus stairs. ("I AM a nice man," I tell myself.)
The next day, I'm on the street when I encounter my old bud Daryl, who's apparently out of prison himself. He flips a U and corrals me, explaining that they locked him up for excessive DUI's and his 13-year-old daughter hates him. He also says he now no longer gives a f--- when driving—just what every passenger wants to hear. (I ran into Daryl buying beer on 2/4 IRL. Guess it left a mark.)
Should Be Called ER-ROR (February 5, 2018)
It's an episode of ER; the docs bring some woman in to identify her husband's body, but before she can they actually pass her hubby alive but with two broken arms. He then falls from his wheelchair. Obviously, multiple fails from the ER staff in this sequence.
But it gets worse: Dr. Lewis is pill-popping, which the nurses suspect. They set her up by pretending to blame Malik as they do a count of the missing pills. How exactly this traps Dr. Lewis isn't known, but I'm still happy to see her (I crushed on her pretty hard back in the day.)
Diagnosis: Snooping (February 4, 2018)
Dick Van Dyke breaks into a locked office, with me as his lookout. I stand outside and pretend to be on the phone while he does whatever, yet passerby still engage in conversation with me—to the point I don't even notice DVD is back in the waiting room waiting patiently in a wheelchair until he texts me.
Dude, It's Demands FIRST, Attack LAST (February 2, 2018)
This will only make sense to The Young & The Restless viewers, be advised.
I'm in a bar with Neil and the Abbott family; the Abbotts are having beer and ribs. I comment on the well-to-do Abbott peeps consuming "regular folk" food, choosing my words carefully. To my relief, they seem to appreciate it, and I decide to step away from them before I actually do say something offensive.
Outside, Phyllis' car has been damaged and the inside ransacked—though no locks or windows are tampered with. We know only Ravi the computer programmer has a key, but we certainly don't suspect him of anything. Still, we need answers.
We enter a hall with automatic garage-type doors that close behind us automatically. Naturally, we assume we're trapped, but a button opens the door in front of us. Upon exiting...there's Ravi—he's lost it, and he detonates explosives in the nearby Jabot tower. I am thrown against the wall of the hall I'd just escaped and bounce off violently. (No sign of Phyllis after this.)
As I lie crumpled on the ground, Ravi stands over me and angrily quizzes me on what his demands are. I'm only able to weakly guess money and respect before he gets impatient and completes the list himself (computers)