Night Visions, February 2019
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Gotta Bounce...Don't Mean It Literally (February 25, 2019)
While walking from Oracle Park with my buddy Paul, we stop and witness a guy on his knee proposing marriage with no ring and no hand-holding...he's just kneeling and asking. We continue on and learn (via massive message board) that I had a stroke and am now blind in my left eye, even though I can see just fine out of both eyes. Who violated my privacy AND got it wrong?
Skip to me in high school yet again; it's a field trip somewhere but I opt to stay behind by simply walking away from the class as it boards the bus. Returning to the classroom, I take a #2 which is interrupted first by the teacher (who evidently isn't needed on the trip), and then by a classmate—the latter of whom vandalizes the room.
I agree to stay mum, but he's caught by teacher after I've left. She walks across the campus to report him to higher-ups, and I follow her since I need a plastic bag for some reason. I beat her back to the classroom and assure the vandalizer—suspicious of seeing me following the teacher—I didn't rat him out.
Naturally, teacher returns in time to overhear this, assumes I was in on the vandalism and threatens to ruin me...stupid plastic bag.
Lastly, my car has a low tire, but every time I press the "inflate" button, the hydraulics kick in and I go high-bouncing. I pull over at a ballfield where two shirtless punks start rummaging through my stuff...until they find my "bipolar" meds. Just like that, they no longer want to cause me trouble.
Bo Doesn't Know Wrestling (February 21, 2019)
Bo Jackson loses the WWE Intercontinental Championship to Brock Lesnar outside of some gas station. Bo's then nice enough to help Lesnar transfer all championship paraphernalia from his truck to Lesnar's.
I'm In Super Trouble (February 18, 2019)
I work at a gas station, and am chillin' there while it's closed for some reason. T.I., Method Man and four toughs from my high school enter, clearly fishing for trouble but not wanting to bring trouble upon me, necessarily. When I point out I attempted suicide a while back (and am thus not afraid to die), the group loses interest and splits.
Soon after, I hear a gunshot behind the building—a woman is hit (but conscious), as is a sleeping bag belonging to her son, who cries over his "blankie". A rather curt bystander tells the boy "Your blankie is gone, and so is your mom", even as Mama writhes in pain nearby.
Soon the fuzz are on the scene and walk me over to the tough guys. I answer truthfully: I am acquainted with them, but I did not see them shoot anyone. Pissed, the cops force me to sit in the building wearing a Superman costume while they investigate. When it's all done, I ask one of the retreating toughs if I have anything to worry about—he shoots me in the hip, but I feel nothing thanks to the costume.
After the former RIdge Forrester (Ronn Moss) and the current Ridge Forrester (Thorsten Kaye) from The Bold & The Beautiful fight for Eric Forrester's guardianship, I find myself at a potluck/job interview with Kerry Wood's parents—his mom is falling into dementia, and his dad needs a caregiver.
When it's over, I find I've got eight pots to load up, rather than the one I showed up with. Going back and forth to my truck, Mrs. Wood goes nuts about mosquitoes; to keep them out, Mr. Wood instructs me to "lock the door and use the key" with a wink—basically saying ignore his crazy wife. I like Mr. Wood.
I Choose Me (February 15, 2019)
It's Beverly Hills 90210, and I'm chillin' at Donna Martin's house when I hear her dad fall down 10 flights of stairs. Since I don't wanna get up, I just pretend to have heard nothing and continue watching TV.
The next day, Steve, Brandon, Eeyore and myself pay Dr. Martin a visit, but Mrs. Martin is rude to us. However, when Eeyore (in a girl's voice) claims to have flown in all the way from Minnesota to visit, he is allowed access. The rest of us, plus Valerie, play football and frisbee in the grass, where we tease Val for growling with every throw.
Wet And Muddy (February 14, 2019)
Once again, it's my last day of high school—why is that a recurring NV setup these days?—and I'm trying to make lunch in the 1250 kitchen. But my mama and grandma keep entering my space so I viciously curse them both out. Afterward, I'm so amped up I go in my room and wet myself.
Next, I change clothes and head for school up an extremely muddy hill; eventually I find myself hanging off the muddy edge with some loser clinging to my leg—he's soon dispatched and I reach safety in the form of my father's INV property.
Inside, as Father, my uncle Bubba and I discuss Bubba's temporary death, a fat fish slithers across the floor with a piece of foil covering it. "That's gonna be dinner!" Father declares.
George Jetson, I Am Not (February 11, 2019)
I'm participating in a Leverage scam with soap star Cameron Mathison; somehow our car shoots 100 feet in the air and I spend the rest of the show at our headquarters bitching about "being stuck in a flying car". That is, until the lovely Stepfanie Kramer (Hunter) drops by. Va-voom.
Next, I play Jimmy Fallon in some skit, then exit through a maze of hallways that end in a dentist waiting room. There, my uncle William pops in with an uncharacteristic "What up, muthaf----s???" prompting me to take a boy outside to avoid the language. Of course, while playing with him, he breaks his arm—the vision's duration is spent with me unsuccessfully looking for my car.
Mall Cop Skillz (February 6, 2019)
It's all NCIS: Gibbs is on a scaffolding, suicidal, trying to give orders to the police below anyway. They eventually capture him and take him away; Abby returns to the scene to retrieve his car, while agents McGee and Bishop enter the jewelry store inside to investigate whatever.
At this point I become a building security guard, and spot two gunmen in the store about to fire...but take them both out with my gun before they can. Entering the store, I'm expecting props from the agents—which I don't get, because somehow Abby has been shot, too. I try to call Vance but my fingers are too fat to dial the numbers properly; only when I hit numbers at random does the call go through to Vance.
As it turns out, Abby is okay...and so is one of the gunmen, who prepares to fire again until I cap him once more. The agents thank me and then just leave me there with the carnage.
Wienerschnitzel, Where Are You? (February 5, 2019)
Some 7-foot high school punk shoves a chick to the ground for no discernible reason. When I question him, he accuses me of wanting to "challenge" him. Me: "The only challenge I want is finding a hot dog for lunch!" Then I watch Mark McGwire hit fungoes to no one.
Oh, The Quack Of The Bat (February 1, 2019)
Donald Duck and I take Huey, Dewey and Louie to an amusement park. I refuse to ride on the roller coasters, instead roaming near a girls' softball diamond and catching foul balls.