Santa Is LONG Gone! (January 20, 2017)

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In some restaurant, it's my old classmate and former minor leaguer Dave Bernstine playing ball with some kids. I ask for an at-bat and he complies, giving me easy overhand tosses. With three balls and two strikes, I chop one and start to run, but no one is interested anymore and I'm just left there.

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Later, I kick it with soap star Kiko Ellsworth. He makes fun of my muscles, and the only comeback I can muster is "Your Christmas stuff is still out."

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Wow. Was It A Conspiracy? (January 19, 2017)

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It's the Chicago Cubs vs...the Chicago Cubs. I'm playing third base when Sammy Sosa singles; I have to yell at Ryne Sandberg to get his attention before Sosa stretches his hit into a double. Sosa later takes a vacated third base, and I boot the next grounder hit to me. I'm about to quit but I return (with no one having even noticed me leaving) just in time to make a valiant effort on a popup by a dude I once knew IRL.

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Just then: a sudden skip to a news broadcast; Ivanka Trump is riding in an open car a la JFK, and has her brains blown out a la JFK (but only mild spatter is shown).

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Just Trust Me, It Was Weird (January 17, 2017)

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This one starts a little mean: on a TV show, jocks befriend an ugly girl and then gang-toss her in a pool.

This one ends a little weird: the cast of Mike & Molly create a strange music video that I cannot effectively describe in words.

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Does That Mean I Bit Her? (January 13, 2017)

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I find myself at my uncle's house cuddling with some girl from high school. It's awkward and not too affectionate.

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After a scene with two One Life To Live brothers going at it, the scene skips to me at some house, practicing performing Macklemore's "Can't Hold Us" with a group of strangers. In the other room, Josie is speaking 'hood ("My daddy crunched on me").

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That Cannot Be Sanitary (January 12, 2017)

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I take a walk from the 1250 and back, returning to find the door wide open. I prepare to confront the intruder and it turns out to be my Uncle Bubba playing some death-cheating board game with Josie. With my heart rate back down, I watch WWE, where Kane goes off on baseball star Alex Rodriguez pre-match (the match, sadly, is never seen). 

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We close with a scene from ER where Dr. Corday needs surgery, and surgeon Dr. Benton breakdances onto her hospital table.

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A Very Neglected Yard (January 11, 2017)

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It's Three's Company; Janet knocks out "Mrs. Furley" and collapses on a couch. Jack finds Janet and dances with her KO'd body, twirling her and dipping her upside down. What joy.

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Skip to me performing Mariah Carey's "Anytime You Need A Friend" onstage, then some more with my uncle. We later find said uncle's buddy keeping her husband's corpse in a room at the 1250. As I try to navigate the yard I'm confronted by a gator, then encounter a giant brunette in bed (outside?). Somehow, I accidentally plow her, but a poo ball pops out of me and I'm forced to distract her to clean it up undetected. Again...what joy.

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Happy To Be All Right (January 8, 2017)

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During a Law & Order case against a judge, he "has enough nonsense" and smashes a sneezeguard near the defendant's table (?). He's then arrested because it turns out he likes kids.

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Skip to a high school assembly. Former classmate Jamar looks around, eyeing all the "uglies" in the crowd. He charitably declares me to look "all right". Me: "I'll take what I can get." Three girls sit around me and are so engaged in their conversation I get accidentally smacked in the face (without apology). So I do what any normal person would do, which is start playing with the hair of one of them.

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Don't You Have Staff For This? (January 7, 2017)

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Not much, just me at The Bold & The Beautiful's Spencer mansion trying to rescue fish out of water all over the premises.

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...And Leave ME With The Mess (January 4, 2017)

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I'm doing security outside our local Food Maxx, perhaps a little too well, because old folks enter the lot and then quickly leave upon seeing me. I spot a Target employee mysteriously smoking outside the building and struggle to figure out how that came to be. Then, at my aunt's house, two fish jump into each other and die.

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Get It Together, You Two (January 2, 2017)

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For some reason I'm walking my mom to work at a hospital. I take the wrong route back and end up on a freeway under construction, dodging cars in the narrow space. Barely making it home alive, I flip on the KTVU news and witness an on-air argument when "Tori" reads story in proper camera but "Sara" simultaneously reads into the wrong one and storms off the set.

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I Didn't Really Care, But Thanks (January 1, 2017)

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JFK is now buried in Vallejo, California; I drive through the cemetery to see his grave, unsuccessfully, and then we skip to a 2-on-2 hoop game.

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A teen player keeps shoving me until I get fed up, but nearby a pregnant lesbian girl blocks traffic to yell at the girl she's in love with. With their entire school watching, they smooch, and I get an alert on my phone that there's "NO PREGNANCY".