Night Visions, March 2017
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Is This Some Half-Assed Moonwalk? (March 31, 2017)
Things begin with Jennifer Aniston snuggling and smooching MLB star Howie Kendrick for some reason. Continuing on, I'm at my mom's place seeing her off on a date. The limo driver comes in to pee and then walks backward out of the apartment and down the stairs.
Next, my grandma's memory is terrible, and I call my uncle sobbing about it. He thinks I'm his neighbor complaining about something.
Doesn't Everybody Like Kohl's? (March 30, 2017)
Willows from CSI, after a long conversation with a twangy ex, heads to a prison. An escapee is on the loose, and the cop trying to usher innocents to safety is (of course) maddeningly given attitude by some of them. There is a hilarious scream when a woman encounters the escapee on an elevator. Actor Justin Berfield helps with his capture by...watching TV?
There's also a scene, according to my notes, of Detective Sipowicz from NYPD Blue with a box of tapes saying "I like Kohl's."
What, Cuba Isn't A State? (March 29, 2017)
Former Vice-President Joe Biden, giving a speech, is booed and teased after circling the wrong state with his telestrator.
Next, IRL pal Mario is down to one leg, but is in great shape and quick to show it off. Suddenly I become the amputee, asking him to help me find the "master lid", whatever that is, in my kitchen. As he does so, I improvise a half-decent song.
MOOOOOVE! (March 28, 2017)
I'm hobnobbing with several cast members of The Big Bang Theory as well as Katey Sagal about good luck in life. Then I'm with my ex at McDonald's; she's rude to the staff and bitchy about an old friend of mine hanging around outside, but then she sees me rebuilding some broken puzzles and suddenly turns nice.
Lastly, I'm at some house about to give my mom a ride to San Francisco. A kid bumps into me but I get my pilfered wallet back from him. As we travel, locals are seen trying to push a frozen cow out of their way.
I Just Play A Cop On TV (March 26, 2017)
We start out with me playing softball, then football; the backup kicker is hurt during a kick return (even though he isn't on the field). I then become one of eight healthy Golden State Warriors (and apparently a critical one.) We close with me as Detective Sipowicz from NYPD Blue investigating a murder. I enter a gangsta-type house; a gangsta inside starts berating a kid and I high-tail it out of there, blaming my cowardice on being an actor and not a cop.
Want Me To Lick That Up? (March 24, 2017)
I'm at home doing a naked dance for laughs, but a fellow young nude dude is aroused. I break his heart, but luckily my IRL gay cousin is nearby to distract him. Then four grandparents (mine?) show up and start Thanksgiving dinner.
Skip to the 1250 "waiting room" when a fire breaks out outside. I grab all needed electronics and escape with three random Indian people. In the driveway are a bunch of broken cars guarded by my cousin. Not one of them catches fire and I'm confused and frustrated.
Things end with me doing armored transport; I make fun of a guy who tried to get somebody a job with absolutely no information about them. That dude comes out with a yogurt that splashes onto some sitting girl's bosom. Being the perv I can be, I make two offers to clean it up, the second of which understandably bothers her.
THAT'S How To Quash A Lawsuit (March 23, 2017)
I'm trying to bypass a parade when Woody Harrelson's dog bites me. We head to the ER but end up buying Chinese food and sharing a ho in a second-floor motel room. Yay! But next, there's weird passive/aggressive behavior by me and the staff of Chase Bank when I show up after closing time. "Don't worry, sir. We'll be open again tomorrow."
Your Arms Are Gonna Be Tired (March 22, 2017)
It's the Top 25 MLB Moments vs. Ex-Team, which includes Pat Burrell's Phillies goodbye; Jim Thome is given a "THEY COMIN' FOR YOU" speech, whoever the hell "they" are. During the Don Zimmer brawl game, many vanish throughout and attempt to literally fly outta town.
Things close with a teen sideswiping my Buick against a building even though I have the keys, and Leah Remini teaming with several random Jewish women for a Saturday Night Live skit.
How Many Points Is That? (March 16, 2017)
A large man takes my mama hostage outside a store. I throw a knife at him; he throws it back then drives off into the night. D'oh.
Next is a Tonight Show "Headlines" skit; I can't stop laughing at a guy shooting while singing "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz.
Finally, IRL friend Tom and I walk around kicking a basketball until it accidentally wedges in a large dog's mouth.
I'm Telling You, Kathie Lee Isn't Regis's Wife! (March 14, 2017)
It's my birthday celebration, but I get into an argument with my seven-year-old niece and kick her (and others) out without walking them to the door. Then I argue with my grandma about the Giffords (which we used to do IRL...long story).
A new toilet on the premises has a suspended tin seat...it's especially messy. I won't use until a woman, baseball Hall-Of-Famer Greg Maddux, and others do. It is very messy for them. I am a bad host.
Ultimately, I rent a house for the sleepover portion of the celebration, but regret it at 3pm when we've already exhausted all my ideas for fun.
Granny Likes My Fanny (March 12, 2017)
I'm riding bitch, on my stomach, to the South Bay with three senior ladies, who passively/aggressively comment on my seating position until I point out clutter in the back seat.
The Hardwood (March 10, 2017)
After a car barrels through a light towing an old man in a wheelchair, my cousin and I go to some shabby basketball courts. Some young men stand around distracting my free throws until I strip nude and leave.
No Nobility Here (March 8, 2017)
In my high school classroom, I'm aware an unattractive girl is crushing on me. During class she attempts to exit but near the door, some dude starts punching her. She returns the favor. Me? I'm just chillin'. Eventually supes and a cop take them away.
After class I circle all through the building and end up at the lockers, where the same girl (whose race has now changed) throws me Josie's sweater I'd dropped. She blames the earlier attack on herself being snooty, as if that's a justifiable reason to beat up a girl; I'm content with this and just happy to have the sweater back. What a guy I am.
Is This Mistaken Identity, Mike? (March 7, 2017)
After receiving separate gifts from two sets of (unfamiliar) lesbian couples, Josie has a complex Wheel Of Fortune puzzle. It's complex because I forgot to turn some letters she guessed, and the answer turns out to be...Wansel & Gretow. (I can rarely spell in my sleep.)
Later, as I'm walking through the 707, ex-NFL coaching great Mike Shanahan offers me $700K to become the next coach of the Oakland Raiders, and a furor is created. I ask Oakland's current coach and he's the one person in the sports world who'd heard nothing about it.
T For Telepathic (March 4, 2017)
Shooting an A-Team episode, I'm B.A. in the background of a jewelry browsing scene. When the scene ends I rest, but the producer opts to extend the scene, and I push so hard to return to the background that I seem creepy because of the young woman in the scene.
As me again, Mr. T doesn't believe I'm a fan of the show until I present my B.A. Baracus poster and collectibles...telepathically.
Finally, skip to me invited to play hoops, but I step in mud mid-route and the courts become a ballpark. All the players are fat except for Jose Canseco, who just mills through the crowd instead of playing his position. Nobody seems to mind.
And I'm Probably Grounded, Too (March 2, 2017)
In a Friends episode, Joey can't decide which ho he wants to nail. (Both are ugly, BTW.) We're treated to various tests and awkward introductions. Surely, it's all side-splitting.
Next, I receive returned mail to the 1250, including failing articles from my alma mater, Heald College. My old bedroom becomes Heald, and the dean tries to kick me out of what was my own house at the time. I refuse to leave, so does he, so I beat him to death with a bat in front of my mom. One-way trip to jail.
Since We Look So Much Alike...(March 1, 2017)
On the street with Josie, I ask Josh Duhamel his plans before realizing he's Josh Duhamel, and let him drive away on his motorcycle. Josie follows him across the street, to my shock, and we visit a cookie shop. I buy three despite a chick trying to grab one from me, and we flee the scene with Josie on my back (not likely possible IRL.)
Back at the 1250, I cook up a home DNA test to determine whether or not ex-major leaguer Nick Swisher is my brother.