Night Visions, March 2018
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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(Dates of awakening listed)
Used To Have Twenty Dollars In My Pocket (March 31, 2018)
At my apartment, while my late grandma and long-ago classmate Mike (who I was never friends with) are upset over the closing of a local thrift shop, I read a notice that we tenants must prepare the dumpster area for trash pickup the next day—and tonight's my night to do it. Yippee.
Due in (high school) class soon, I cannot find a decent outfit and wind up settling for those trendy new women's pants with the nylon cutouts...except my cutout is near my crotch area. Needless to say, my day is riddled with stares and comments (but luckily no arrest). Over at the ballfield, ex-Mets pitcher Ron Darling hits an opposite-field homer; after the game, former Mets teammate Tim Teufel want me to join them for BBQ...but the volume of comments as we depart nixes those plans.
On the street, fed up with the attention, I execute a Night Visions rarity by simply willing myself a pair of jeans and enter the upstairs of an "Asian" building to change. Before I finish, the place is robbed; I counsel the crook but still wind up losing my wallet and phone. Kept the pants, though! And on the way out I rub up a meek woman's legs without her hubby slugging me (then offer $10 for more).
To Serve, Protect And Cockblock (March 30, 2018)
Things begin with me walking through my complex at night when, out of nowhere, some idiot crashes his car into the dumpster gates. I head home to call for help but there's a line of people waiting to get inside my apartment, as if it's a business about to open. Sorry bruh, you're on your own now—I got my own issues.
Skip to my local basketball court; I make a hoop shot from about 75 feet away...but the ball lands through the missing windshield of somebody's rusted-out pickup truck (which I did not know was there). Homey inside the truck is barely responsive as I retrieve the ball; that works for me just fine.
Finally, I'm in a motel room with two friends (who are about to get it on, even with me there) when Jim Brass from CSI and another cop bang on the door. They want to know if I've medicated—I'm about to, and show them the pills and water prepared nearby. Brass and partner then laugh at me and leave, but my friend is pissed because the girl he was about to nail has vanished, too.
"Get Her Wet" Didn't Mean What You Think (March 29, 2018)
Visiting the 1250, I learn my grandma is storing raw chicken on a high shelf in the bathroom. I notice this because I'm somehow 8.5 feet tall (and probably still can't dunk.)
Next, I discover a Family Guy oversized diorama-style city on somebody's bed—complete with real live mini-people, operational cars, etc. It's pretty neat to watch until Peter flips his car over on some woman. Twice. Not knowing if 911 will respond to this, I do the next best thing and flee.
Things end with me watching some TV program with Italian women on a boat going OFF on the owner/navigator because they're convinced incest was occurring on the boat.
Slots...And Shots (March 27, 2018)
This one is puzzling. I'm in a second floor hotel room (248) with the cast of Roseanne, who I apparently know. We share a short meal before I opt to head down to my own room 148. For some reason I'm under the impression I can crawl through some tube to get there, but am quickly proven wrong...to the elevator I head.
Turns out this is a combined hotel/casino, with rooms and slot machines spread around at random. As I walk toward the elevator, I overhear a few dudes (including Jon Huertas from Castle) openly discussing a second-floor shootout they're about to execute—they're just gonna spray bullets at random and if people die, oh well. Since MY room is on the first floor, I'm not really concerned and go about my business.
When I emerge a bit later, they have indeed shot up the second floor and there are many casualties. The group is still in the building OUT IN THE OPEN, calmly, with no law enforcement in sight—they seem dissatisfied and want to do another shooting in a few hours. Confused, I track down a security agent (actor/singer Tyrese) trying to figure out why this mayhem is basically being ignored. The agent is intrigued and within minutes he's seen having joined up with the group of shooters. I give up.
The Truth Is Out...Of Date (March 25, 2018)
Watching the new X-Files, I'm bothered by the opening credits: Mulder's badge photo is current, while Scully still uses the same one from the 1990's. (IRL, both remain unchanged from the 1990's. You can all rest easy.)
Next, I burst into my uncle's room in search of a sock. He does not have it. So I proceed to use his computer to make a music mashup, but cannot decide on a genre...total fail of a trip.
Lastly, I spot a dad and son walking on the freeway shoulder barefoot...over woodchips. Rather than offer a ride, I pull over and discuss how great shoes are with them. Then we see Charlie Sheen with an ugly woman and the vision ends.
Eh, Who Needs The Calories Anyway? (March 23, 2018)
I'm rooming with my pal Jenn, who is expecting a pizza delivery for a party that I was not invited to. So I head to work as a taxi driver and, during a break, drop in on the party...which is LAME. Jenn then fills me in on her Mexico trip (for "purebreeding") and issues with her house—the realtor left a message demanding she be called back in 150 minutes or they're taking the house back. Without really caring about any of that, I ask outright if she actually wants a roomie. When she hesitates, I take it as "no" and proceed to sweep and wax the floor. I really gotta take lessons on this whole "spite" thing.
Is One Of Them Cajun? (March 21, 2018)
I'm attending a baseball game with old pal LT (who's sporting excessively untamed hair rather than his regular coiffe). All begins well...until the staff begins moving everyone down in their seats snake-style. We're moved so far until we wind up unable to see the batters at all, even in our elevated position home plate's view is obstructed by a giant green tarp hanging on the backstop for no good reason. LT makes us stay anyway.
Skip to me on my armed courier route. I'm doing the route solo (a big no-no IRL) and havin' all sort of problems, including: snagging a key string on a store's automatic door and somehow stretching it 50 feet to the office, getting myself banned from using a loading zone, totally forgetting a customer's entire order, and absorbing vitriol from residents when I cut across their lawns in search of a phantom address (that turns out to be right under my nose.)
Lastly, I'm on some crime show in search of a dealer that speaks 100 languages. Hes caught, and we're about to copter him to Louisiana, but the helicopter fails and at the last minute, we're forced to fly across the land on top of a toy copter. Arriving safely, we party in New Orleans for a bit before the trial, which consists of characters from King of The Hill, Archer and Parks & Recreation.
"Damn, Damn, Damn You're Angry" (March 20, 2018)
It's Married With Children; Bud actually scores with a babe...only for Kelly to spill out from the top bunk out of nowhere. Mood killer? I'd say yeah. Next, I have a babe of my own, "Arlee". staying over with Josie. Dinner is a Skillz family staple, hamburger hash—but a group of unfriendly Russians let themselves into the apartment and shut the stove off to stall for time with some chick who is less than willing. That's even worse than a bunk-falling sister.
We then skip to the 1250, where the Good Times cast has reunited...except for John Amos (James). The others track him down to my vacated grandma's bedroom; he is NOT happy to see his old castmates and even takes a swing at Esther Rolle (Florida) until I somehow wrap him up. Editor's note: the odds of me wrapping John Amos up, even now in his 70's, are comically low.
Things end with me at a gas station trying to avoid an old acquaintance...only for some dude to load his groceries into my ride, and a grocery clerk following me around until she collapses.
"Yo, Dawg, That Tantrum...It's A Lil' Pitchy" (March 19, 2018)
I'm in some type of auditorium-type room, co-judge of the new American Idol—and an angry one at that. Unlike the real show, auditions are not private; each performer must show their stuff in front of the other kajillion contestants. Another difference from the real show: the stage exit has a four-foot drop with no stairs...ouch. One audience member's two-year-old wanders into my area and I needlessly bitch her out (hey, just cuz I report the Night Visions doesn't mean I'm PROUD of them.)
Later, when a stupidly-dressed idiot masquerading as a true singing hopeful takes the stage, I also bitch her out and kick her off the premises, leading her to collapse with a heart attack. When the show ends, us judges are briefly followed by some creepy felon-looking dude outside the building, but when I can't immediately find my car, he suddenly loses interest. I'm actually slightly offended he seemed interested in the car and not us.
"(Sniff)...My Favorite Mitt Is Broken...Hugs?" (March 17, 2018)
Tommy Lasorda is pitching to me, but the fingers of my glove just will not untwist; I wind up catching about five pitches by sheer luck and timing. Next inning I move to center and field a base hit. MLB star Brandon Phillips round second and eyes me, daring me to make a throw. I oblige him just as he takes off; my throw to third beats him so badly that he stops running about eight feet short, and hangs his head. Then I go in the dugout and watch a Mariano Rivera flipbook.
After some soap stuff, I find myself in high school, where our substitute teacher is also our principal. Instead of teaching, he goes on and on about his childhood in Mexico and eventually his family—the class is glued to every word, especially when he tearfully shares the disappearance of his daughter back in the 70's. Being poor, they had no photos of her, so finding her proved impossible. As he softly cries, several attractive females go to him for hugs, making me wonder if I should concoct a similar story at some point.
STRIKE TWELVE! (March 15, 2018)
In a highly-unlikely Modern Family scene, Jay, Phil and an unnamed homosexual Latin man are gathered at Phil's. Phil begins to chat Jay up, but the tortured patriarch runs over to the Latin guy and makes out with him just to escape his mind-numbing son-in-law.
Next, I'm Murdock from The A-Team; we're in LA doing some questioning before heading across the street to a snack bar helmed by actress Debra Jo Rupp (Kitty from That 70's Show). She, too, is questioned by Hannibal. Then I feel obliged to let Rupp know that I'm sort of from the future, and her career turns out pretty well. Rupp and my teammates are all creeped out.
Lastly, I'm witness to the San Francisco Giants "Spring Training"—they're lakeside, with Bruce Bochy driving some water-ski/tent contraption. He drives the motorized skis, which pull a tent full of 12 Giants on the water behind him. As one might expect, it snaps and the players barrel into the dock; none seem hurt.
On the cabin deck, a teen boy is being very helpful and courteous to those around him, including another kid his age. This prompts his snooty bitch mother to retort "I thought you (other boy) were from a nice black family, but the first thing you do is ask my son for a jacket." The woman's friend reams her out, adding "Are you sure you're his (her son's) mother?!" Don't ask me where it came from.
Halitosis Prevents Tragedies (March 14, 2018)
Along with my IRL buds Luke and Paul, I walk through a less-than-charming neighborhood. Outside one residence stands about a half-dozen punk types, one of whom threatens to "elbow-slam" me. Thinking fast, I pretend to recognize another and remind him how I used to rap in high school—on cue, Luke drops the beat and I bust out the classic "Bitch, Yo Breath Stank". They're appeased and no fisticuffs take place.
Logical conclusion: while walking away, I conclude my IRL dead grandfather has been hassling them and go to visit him at a nearby bar. He is there, but I flake out on the confrontation—only to find my car being towed outside. The driver ignores me and takes off...across the street to a gas station. There, my car simply breaks from the truck and rolls to where I still stood at the bar—almost as if I pulled it on a string.
With the tow guy in pursuit, I act fast. "Quick! I know how to stop it!" while signaling for the keys (which he somehow has.) It works, and I drive away pointing at the tow idiot and laughing.
Next, I'm on a downhill road approaching a traffic light. The light automatically brakes my car at the crosswalk, even though no one's using it—I can't use it til the countdown completes. Finally passing the light, there's Bill Cosby walking up the road. I shout out the window to warn him about the light, but he assumes I'm trying to get him to confess to rape and blows me off.
After a baseball scrimmage where I throw out a runner at home with help from Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson's short-hop backhand, things end with me writing a giant card in marker: "Restore One Life To Live Characters" as a montage of former OLTL actress Kassie DePaiva lying on pianos plays in the background.
Their Hands Were Up; He Shot Anyway (March 11, 2018)
The Yankees are playing the Red Sox, with me as all Red Sox hitters. No matter what I do, my first nine swings are uncoordinated and feeble; none of them make contact—even those of Jay Buhner (former Mariners star IRL).
Jump ahead to the 6th inning; despite my haplessness, Yankees starter David Wells is knocked out of the game in the 3rd inning, and we're in position to tie things up. I somehow figure out my swing and start hitting liners all over the place; my Red Sox go up 8-6. But then the game is delayed when Sox 3B Scott Cooper leaves to get new clothes, and his teammates simply go to sleep. I get on the "phone", which is actually an empty drawer, calling for help from "Ryan or Randy". No such luck.
Next, I'm at an airport in a large group with other employees; our boss tries to keep us orderly but we all head out into the cold anyway, where my IRL buds Aldo and Raff kick a soccer ball off cars while I bring up the rear.
Lastly, I'm in a police station for some reason, standing in a longish line to speak with the desk officer (or whatever.) The guy behind me starts up a conversation—against my will—and gets animated to the point of carelessly waving the sharp end of a pencil close to my face. I angrily react, then leave. Later, I return to the station and speak with a very impressive officer; this guy is so great he goes on to beat the Golden State Warriors in a game of coffee can basketball taking place entirely within my childhood bedroom.
It's Not Happening, Friend (March 10, 2018)
Not much, just Chicken lying semi-seductively across my car's hood after a visit, and the Scooby-Doo gang dodging security lasers in a dance club—except Fred, who's in shorts and too cold to avoid them.
Please Don't Be Curious, Kids (March 8, 2018)
The Seinfeld gang is piled in a car with "Gary Sheffield" on a trip somewhere. They pull over so George and Jerry can pee in some bushes (having learned nothing from the parking garage episode, obviously). They're predictably caught by a cop; it seems they've gotten away with it when he asks them for some first aid supplies...but the ass takes the supplies and still tickets them.
After some lawsuit and moving shenanigans, I find myself courtside at a Golden State Warriors game with my pants down. I try furiously to at least get my boxers back up without flashing anyone but they just will not cooperate; I even hear the broadcasters stop talking and Draymond Green look my way with concern. Eventually I semi-sneak away and re-dress in the bathroom—when I return, my IRL friends Ryan and April are sitting where my nude bottom had been minutes ago. I keep mum; they're too happy to disturb.
Skip to some mobile home park; I have sex toys to deliver! The customer's home is part of an entire row decorated with (presumably) each owner's XXX name and painted image. I arrive at the house at the same time as two teen girls, one of whom cheerfully insists on taking the box from me. They didn't go over this situation in my training.
It starts to rain, and I have great difficulty putting on my jacket. Frustrated with the time lost, I cut through a bunch of patios to reach my next stop—she's also receiving sex toys, and there's instructions to hide them in her unlocked vehicle. When i reach said vehicle, however, I've forgotten/dropped the box. Lucky for me, a 10-year-old boy runs it up to me, as the recepient watches. Might be time to update that resume...
What Is "Invasion Of Privacy?" (March 7, 2018)
It's SVU again; the detectives and Cragen have some punk under arrest, locked in the high school bathroom while waiting on the sheriff—but he's long gone when said sheriff arrives; the search is on.
On the campus is a rally; hundreds of students are about. We do not expect to find the punk but there he is, blending in with the others as if all is rainbows and lollipops in his world.
Not wanting to humiliate the kid, we wait until some rehearsed routine requiring everybody to lie on the ground—at which time Fin, Benson, etc. lie as well and slap the cuffs on Mr. Punk without anyone seeming to notice. We then realize how pointless that was when undertaking the LONG walk off campus with our new capture. Oh, well.
Skip to a Jeopardy episode; we have a contestant with $2K, one with $4K, and one with $16K entering Final Jeopardy. Alex Trebek advises $16K to not bet anything because he'll win no matter what.
The question: I (Alex) needed shoulder surgery when I crashed my ______? Both $2K and $4K guess "bike" and double their winnings, but the idiot $16K guy bets everything, guesses "airplane" and loses it all.
Then I go to pee and Alex is standing there watching me with a piece of gum dangling from his mouth.
"Everywhere You Look...There's Some Boobs" (March 5, 2018)
In a locker room located on the property of The Bold & The Beautiful's Forrester family, a naked Lori Loughlin is attempting to buy a house from a naked (adult) Candace Cameron. Realizing she won't get a Full House discount, Loughlin politely changes her mind and scampers off.
Elsewhere, I find myself kicking it with my pal Jenn, who alerts me to an article about Madonna—the singer is quoted as saying "I didn't want the sweat of Jewish tears inside me" explaining why she turned down sex with a younger Jew. We just chalk it up.
Next, I'm with my INV boss working on a railroad track. The guy we're expecting doesn't call or show up, prompting my boss to attack his unprofessionalism in a LONG, rambling voicemail. Boss gets more worked up as he goes, almost like he's mad at the voicemail for not responding, and eventually his diatribe goes Grampa Simpson "...when I was 7, we used to live on the other side of the state. Things weren't like they are now—" until I mercifully disconnect the call.
Things close with me umpiring a My Little Pony game and getting in a sword fight with one of them.
Thumbs Down (March 4, 2018)
Alex is excited about our upcoming circus trip...until her pet lizard disappears. We search, and I grab her bed frame to scan underneath....which is when the lizard spray-poops on my thumb from under the bed.
Alex becomes paranoid, disinfecting everything I touched even BEFORE the incident and not letting me touch anything after with that hand, even after extensive washing. Because of this restriction, I repeatedly drop/knock over stacks of old Score baseball cards she was sorting for some reason, and also have trouble rebuilding her computer. Moral of the story: keep your lizards diapered.
What? You Can't Even Reach The Pedals (March 3, 2018)
In a grocery store, Josie's Girl Scout troop leader and I are "fishing", which means she is firing hot dogs in my mouth from across the store. After I catch one, I hound her up and down an aisle acting as a goldfish. This is a low point in Night Visions.
Meanwhile, Barry Bonds has been arrested for...being mean, I guess. He is held in the butcher/kitchen area of the store's restaurant and put to work with other inmates. I and an IRL acquaintance intend to spot him but are ultimately too scared to give more than a passing glance into his work area.
Skip to the sea—while floating on a raft, the A-Team and other soldiers spot "The Taliban" (some giant china statue) thrown at them. As Face investigates, a woman crashes a blimp dangerously close to him....mission on. Next, a midget demands an abandoned car I found, then slurps up Josie's soda when I refuse.
We end with me outside the store absorbing ridicule for my speaking manner from "friends" until Sheryl Underwood of The Talk appears and credits me with giving her the confidence to speak her mind and be strong. Yay me.
Plus, The Team Has Multiple Minorities! (March 1, 2018)
A guy from the 1950's is transplanted to modern-day Coors Field (the Colorado Rockies' home ballpark); he's amazed by the technology, as one might expect, and tours inside the INV "White Tower" of the park—which is nothing more than a lighthouse/video board contraption.
On said video screen, we watch a Rockie make a diving catch that somehow lands him on TOP of the board. Announcers compare him to Jesus as the baffled trainers try to reach him.
Skip to a new library opening for the city of Burlingame, CA in my hometown of Vallejo, CA (about an hour apart IRL) for some reason. I ask for a card application and smooch the gray-haired staffer upon receiving it, for no reason.
I then sit and skim through an O.J. Simpson murder case book, which upsets a black man who finds the skimming disrespectful—even after I explain I'd already read it once.
Later, an undercover cop who resembles the actress Tessa Thompson is shot and dies in the hospital; Denzel Washington takes it upon himself to lug her to the morgue from her hospital bed. Personally, I would have asked for a stretcher, if for no other reason than to keep blood off my clothes. But whatever.