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Night Visions, March 2019

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 



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Night Visions Hall Of Fame



(Dates of awakening listed)

Mike's Weak Imagination (March 28, 2019)

I am near a large hill near Safeway; atop this hill is a store named "Mike's Giant Store" next to "Mike's Big Dyke". Inside the Safeway, I wind up half-asleep on a table in my boxers, but nobody seems to mind or even care. Skip to my IRL apartment; an African couple stays with me but the guy tries to stab me in the eye with a pencil, so obviously I evict him. Then his wife gets mouthy so I push her down the stairs.


Finally, Klay Thompson of the Golden State Warriors hits a half-court shot; the whole team celebrates under the hoop while their opponent scores an uncontested layup on the other end.

Eight Lives To Go (March 25, 2019)

As I walk through a park full of non-attractive stage dwellers, my buddy Paul twice drops his baby while putting her on his shoulders. Both times I make diving saves, but both times nobody sees and I get pissed off. Lucky for me, the scene skips to me in bed with actress Lauren Lane (The Nanny), which no one would complain about.


Next, I'm a radio producer with Jimmy Smits as my boss. One of the hosts takes a shot at me, something like "Our producer seems like he's on vacation already!" and my response, "Yep, a vacation to work," is so comically weak that I resign before Smits can fire me.

Skip to a documentary on despicable human acts; some punk teases a cat by holding it over a fire. It gets loose, runs away, and is promptly devoured by a lion.

DeMopcus Cousins On Duty (March 17, 2019)

At some mall, along with Draymond Green of the Golden State Warriors, I'm named to the NBA All-Star team, which is set to play that night. So nervous am I that I puke all over the walkway, as does Green, who then is curt to me in the elevator.

Our opponents: Stephen Curry and a bunch of high school girls, who of course share a locker room with us and force me into unnecessary awkwardness trying to be decent. Meanwhile, Warriors center DeMarcus Cousins is tagged with cleaning up the barf.

Just TELL Me To Leave (March 15, 2019)

Initially, I'm playing volleyball with about seven females on my team. Next thing I know, that number swells to 20 and I'm pushed out of the game in spite of my fabulous spiking. I end up playing two-on-one V-ball with Charles Barkley and some football player.

He "Sweetened" My Employment (March 13, 2019)

I'm a bus driver, but instead of the smaller vehicle, I'm tasked with driving a 40-footer through town—it's got a mind of its own and barrels somewhat out-of-control through the streets until finally reaching our base. There, I have an epic breakdown/meltdown and wait for my boss Eric Braeden to fire me, but instead he sends me to deliver Entemann's desserts in a smaller vehicle.

Great, Now I Need To Be Towed Myself (March 8, 2019)

My uncle's car goes missing from the 1250, but a limo tows it back. Of course, said limo runs me over in the process.

TC Not OK with OPP (March 7, 2019)

Roger E. Mosley and my uncle William angrily accuse me of stealing a rag from a fat woman near a pool; they threaten physical repercussions if the rag doesn't turn up. I vehemently deny having the rag and finally get fed up, telling them to f--- me up and get it over . with. Instead, both men are proud of me for standing up to them and set me free...only for the rag to turn up somehow wrapped around my soda bottle.

Restaurant Serves Free ICE (March 6, 2019)

I'm soap actor James DePaiva, treating soap actress Marcy Walker to a fine meal in my 1250 restaurant. As a violinist plays, I "play" guitar, but some confused migrant-type dude keeps interrupting as if he's supposed to be getting dinner, too.

Finally, an ICE agent appears from nowhere and takes him away, but not before the agent drops a two-sided pencil from his butt somehow. To "compensate", I'm given a toy frog with a human mask resembling the migrant guy.

Later, my uncle and I protect the 1250 with a gun and bat, respectively, being proactive in case the dinner interloper returns. All is well until my uncle collapses for no reason; I give him CPR and call 911, whose commercial is so long that the paramedics show up before I've even reported what happened.

 Ditched For Jailbait (March 1, 2019)

 I'm Phil from Modern Family, situated in a convenience store where my IRL buddy "Sean", who is allegedly gay, decides to make out with his sister right there in the store. The two leave, as I tastelessly compare the female cashier to Turbo from American Gladiators. (There IS a resemblance, but still.)

Hurt, she leaves, and I go with some others into a darkened room and kick/slap a soccer ball around.

Next, I'm a bus driver with three passengers—I make a wrong turn, and one passenger starts in on me and won't let up. I fight back but eventually put a trainee behind the wheel and attempt to quit over the luck reaching anyone, though.

The bus is low on gas, but the only nearby station is being converted from Chevron to Shell—at that point I crack, ditch the bus and everyone on it, and walk off, hoping to find a chocolate Rockstar.

On the walk, I spot a buddy and ask him for a ride, but he's with an underage girl and clearly prefers her company over mine.

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