Mike's Weak Imagination (March 28, 2019)

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I am near a large hill near Safeway; atop this hill is a store named "Mike's Giant Store" next to "Mike's Big Dyke". Inside the Safeway, I wind up half-asleep on a table in my boxers, but nobody seems to mind or even care. Skip to my IRL apartment; an African couple stays with me but the guy tries to stab me in the eye with a pencil, so obviously I evict him. Then his wife gets mouthy so I push her down the stairs.

 

Finally, Klay Thompson of the Golden State Warriors hits a half-court shot; the whole team celebrates under the hoop while their opponent scores an uncontested layup on the other end.

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Eight Lives To Go (March 25, 2019)

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As I walk through a park full of non-attractive stage dwellers, my buddy Paul twice drops his baby while putting her on his shoulders. Both times I make diving saves, but both times nobody sees and I get pissed off. Lucky for me, the scene skips to me in bed with actress Lauren Lane (The Nanny), which no one would complain about.

 

Next, I'm a radio producer with Jimmy Smits as my boss. One of the hosts takes a shot at me, something like "Our producer seems like he's on vacation already!" and my response, "Yep, a vacation to work," is so comically weak that I resign before Smits can fire me.

Skip to a documentary on despicable human acts; some punk teases a cat by holding it over a fire. It gets loose, runs away, and is promptly devoured by a lion.

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DeMopcus Cousins On Duty (March 17, 2019)

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At some mall, along with Draymond Green of the Golden State Warriors, I'm named to the NBA All-Star team, which is set to play that night. So nervous am I that I puke all over the walkway, as does Green, who then is curt to me in the elevator.

Our opponents: Stephen Curry and a bunch of high school girls, who of course share a locker room with us and force me into unnecessary awkwardness trying to be decent. Meanwhile, Warriors center DeMarcus Cousins is tagged with cleaning up the barf.

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Just TELL Me To Leave (March 15, 2019)

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Initially, I'm playing volleyball with about seven females on my team. Next thing I know, that number swells to 20 and I'm pushed out of the game in spite of my fabulous spiking. I end up playing two-on-one V-ball with Charles Barkley and some football player.

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He "Sweetened" My Employment (March 13, 2019)

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I'm a bus driver, but instead of the smaller vehicle, I'm tasked with driving a 40-footer through town—it's got a mind of its own and barrels somewhat out-of-control through the streets until finally reaching our base. There, I have an epic breakdown/meltdown and wait for my boss Eric Braeden to fire me, but instead he sends me to deliver Entemann's desserts in a smaller vehicle.

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Great, Now I Need To Be Towed Myself (March 8, 2019)

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My uncle's car goes missing from the 1250, but a limo tows it back. Of course, said limo runs me over in the process.

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TC Not OK with OPP (March 7, 2019)

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Roger E. Mosley and my uncle William angrily accuse me of stealing a rag from a fat woman near a pool; they threaten physical repercussions if the rag doesn't turn up. I vehemently deny having the rag and finally get fed up, telling them to f--- me up and get it over . with. Instead, both men are proud of me for standing up to them and set me free...only for the rag to turn up somehow wrapped around my soda bottle.