Night Visions, November 2017
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
It ls FIESTA, Not SIESTA, Skillz! (November 28, 2017)
It is my birthday, and yet I get roped into doing the barbecuing for the outdoor celebration. I show up at the park and find that, for the first time in the many IRL years I've used it, it is reserved for that afternoon. I don't care, and begin setting up—the plan is to eat, then wrap up with a game of softball.
Present are many of my IRL friends and family, including Mike who has come all the way from Idaho for the event, especially the softball game (he tries to show equal enthusiasm for seeing me...but it's pretty clear without the softball, he stays home.)
At 2:20 something in the afternoon, all is well and jubilant—whoever had reserved the space had not claimed it. But the next thing I know it is 3:38 in the afternoon and most of my guests, including Mike, have left, realizing softball was not going to happen with me out cold. WHY didn't anyone just wake me up???
Things close with me realizing I'm dreaming and thus going around smooching random women. Only the last one is bothered, but she looks as if she'd be bothered by pretty much anything. (For the record, that's one of my favorite Night Visions titles ever.)
One Persuasive Rookie (November 27, 2017)
(Let me preface this by saying I fell asleep to a George Seifert (1989-96 49ers coach) radio interview. And NOT like you're thinking, pervs.)
I'm 49ers legend Steve Young, in some warehouse with our coach and a rookie wide receiver. The kid is supposed to be going to various areas of the place for examination/treatment, but keeps coming back with notes to the effect of "Incomplete" "Disinterested", etc. It turns out he'd been sneaking off to do PED's every time coach sent him somewhere. Why he was stupid enough to bring the notes back without at least reading them, only he knows.
In any event, Coach confronts the kid, whose defense is he thinks me (Young) should not be the quarterback anymore. I explain all my Hall-of-Fame credentials and he still isn't impressed. At that moment Joe Montana shows up bored, so we go off to look at murals around the building while coach and kid talk. Ultimately, I lose my starting job. (Now I wonder if Evan Engram is the reason Eli Manning lost his starting job IRL.)
Next, I work in another warehouse, this time with actress Linda Cardellini doing auto work. She's good (and she looks good in her grey jumpsuit, I might add...I've always been fond of her IRL.) I take a few minutes from work to buy a used Camaro from Will Smith; it needs a new tire, among other things, so I get to searching the massive shop. But as I do, I get distracted by having to store bags of groceries on the shelves (?)
Strictly professional, Linda offers assistance and after a bit of work I just up and smooch her. She reciprocates— just like that love is born and she proceeds to follow me around the warehouse. I hope I don't regret this...
Please Check Harder Next Time (November 26, 2017)
Once again, the A-Team have infiltrated my slumber, and this time they have a tagalong—a woman resembling a young (actress) Brooke Smith who's returning reluctantly to some nation that's forcing her to share custody with an unworthy ex.
Unfortunately, there are bigger fish to fry, such as the giant dragon robot sicced on Hannibal, who's separated from the rest of the team and hiding in a hay loft. Just as he's about to be decimated, Murdock and Face fly a helicopter into the beast, while B.A. beats it up once it's down. Then the over-amped B.A. tries to attack his teammates and they're forced to knock him out with farm tools.
Eventually the team make it outside but before escaping, Hannibal remembers a colt trapped in the loft. Once the team frees it, they find Brooke holding some woman at gunpoint—she and her son are going back on the run and won't be stopped. It's an emotional scene for all, as the team had grown fond of Brooke....but they let her go.
Next, it's NCIS arriving at an odd scene: a picnic bench with a row of dead kids on one side, a row of living ones on the other, and a school bus being driven upside-down by a freaked-out mom. (She later tries to get on everybody's case but Ducky PUNKS her!)
As the crew investigates, it is determined the dead kids are indeed alive and have just been stung by bees. They're led away for medical attention as the NCISers grumble about the wasted trip.
Lastly, in a scene I could not make up, an INV singer from the 1960's whose career fell apart after domestic violence issues—she was the victim—is back in the limelight, starring on NCIS. Though now approaching 70, she freely sports her bikini in the pool in front of several young men (including myself).
For whatever reason, we're turned on by her (even though we really shouldn't be) and when she leaves her wedding ring with us, we all try it on our dicks. End vision.
From Foul Balls To Foul Odors (November 25, 2017)
(I'm at a 2002 Texas Rangers home game. How do I know this? Ken Caminiti, who spent the first half of 2002 with Texas, is the batter. Cammy hits a home run, and instead of circling the bases, he's in the stands sliding into a giant vat of beer a la Bernie Brewer at Milwaukee's Miller Park. Well...better that than cocaine, I suppose.
My front-row, dugout area seat is angled toward the rest of the crowd for some reason, but I don't seem to mind. In fact, it puts me in great position to see the guy walking his girlfriend around, politely asking fellow fans if anyone could powder her toes—the same way you'd ask strangers for a phone or a Band-Aid. After three inquires, some people to my right apparently oblige the couple.
At this moment, I walk around a bit. Reaching a grassy knoll in left field foul ground, suddenly a dozen or so foul balls in a row head my way. I retrieve one off the carom and give it to an old lady who'd whiffed on it. I later save her section with an impressive backhand barehand snag. While this is going on I'm also tossing errant throws back to two kids playing catch on the knoll.
But just as I become the star of the section, POOF! I'm transported to a deserted bathroom along an empty access road. Good grief...
Mr. Smooth Meets Dr. Snooze (November 24, 2017)
We begin with me walking down the corridor of some medical building. I pass a staffer on speakerphone with my cousin, who is demanding answers to my whereabouts—apparently, I've been committed to a mental hospital without even knowing it. I end up in a group room with many IRL ex-classmates, being directed to sing silly children's songs (which, of course, I refuse to do.)
When the singing stops, one classmate throws three pencils onto the floor—somehow, this is supposed to be a tribute to Rashida Jones IRL protest-driven exit from Toy Story 4. (Don't ask ME; I just report the visions.)
Our next segment has me in some resort-type dining establishment. I'm "Mr. Smooth", sitting shirtless in an office with three nearly nude stripper-types—we're planning a birthday party for someone. After the girls insult my weight a bit, we head to another office to confer with who I presume to be a supervisor. Entering the office, there sits a thirtysomething brunette, purple blouse, heels, black tights covering crossed legs...unconscious. The girls freak out and call for help, but when a pizza delivery arrives, it takes top priority and just like that, the boss is on her own. (I'm no better—I split, too.)
In the restaurant area, I play my Mr. Smooth role to the hilt—paying for an old man's drink, feeling up an ugly woman's legs, and offering the smoothest of apologies for stepping on a guy's shoe. But I haven't forgotten the boss from earlier, and eventually return to her office.
Upon arrival, she's alive and well...and knows exactly who I am. Turns out she's a psychiatrist, and after looking up my whole medical history and bringing up facts about me NO ONE ELSE knows, she wants to treat me further. My Mr. Smooth facade gone, I agree. After all, she is kind of sexy.
I leave her office, join up with Josie, and head off from the property on foot as a collection of special-needs children sadly bid us goodbye.
That 30's Show (November 20-23, 2017)
None of these individual night's visions were worth mentioning, but collectively, each one featured a scene or two that passed the shareworthy test by about 0.00001%.
Jesse L. Martin (Green from Law & Order) is back enforcing law in New York City...although this time on NYPD Blue. Sipowicz welcomes "his old partner" back and out they go on a case. When shots are fired at Green and cops accompanying them, Sipowicz—fearing he's lost let ANOTHER partner—walks comically slow toward the shooting victims, as if trying not to set off a booby-trap. Green is down....but only because he's arresting a couple of punks. Sipowicz is so relieved, he does not bother pursuing the shooter or helping his partner with the arrests.
Next, I'm shooting hoops alone on a spacious set of outdoor courts. One errant shot bounces over the backboard and rolls about 100 feet away before making its way back, almost all the way back to me....until being deflected by a protruding barrier. It redirects through an open gate and rolls about three blocks down a street with no incline, ending up in someone's yard. I only mention this because who the hell dreams about a rolling basketball (and VIVIDLY, at that.)
After a soap star bonanza (they're in airports, they're holding hostages, they're arguing naked in bed and gettin' my grandma all riled up), I find myself at Ashton Kutcher's apartment (LOL) playing some Monopoly-type board game. Kutcher is wearing a fedora, and insists the race car game piece he's using wears the fedora game piece as well. He's also pleased because evidently, he receives royalties for the song Party Rock Anthem. I just nod politely.
Things end with me deciding to practice calling in "Officer Down" to emergency dispatch should the need arise. An old IRL acquaintance with cop aspirations happens to pass by; hearing me instantly saddens him.
Just Call Me Boom Mic Wallace (November 17, 2017)
This one is baffling. I find myself reading an article about a "boom mic legend" who is about to retire from 60 Minutes. I am given his old job, but instead of actual boom mic work, I (and some woman) are sent to a bowling alley and told to play indefinitely. We bowl and bowl and bowl until I finally tire of it and climb out the eight-foot window into the 60 Minutes backstage area.
There, my boss (a very attractive, leggy Linda Cohn-type) has me change into dress clothes and continue bowling, with my IRL bud Eddie supervising. I follow instructions but somehow get nacho cheese all over my white shirt despite none being present. Oh, well.
Skip to a hospital; after mingling with a few soap stars I encounter a dude who must be at least 6'10". He seems OK, except that he brags about putting apple slices on his pizza. As I walk down the hall I disparage this to one of the aforementioned soap stars...only to find Mr. Tall a few paces behind me. Cue nervous backtracking.
From there, I end up in a garage with a series of toy-related riddles that must be solved in order to exit. When I do, I spot somebody holding two dogs—one of which is my IRL cousin's dog Cole. Cole beelines to me as the dude explains he just purchased him for $5. Cole clearly wants no part of him, so I buy the dog back.
Unfortunately, I lose him when my steps somehow activate the garage door, which pins me underneath before I can slide my fat ass through.
IIII Wanna Drive With Nobody (November 16, 2017)
Things begin with me arriving at a gas station. Before I can exit my car, separate men climb into the front and back seats, uninvited, and just sit there as if waiting for me to drive off. I exit, leaving the radio blaring Whitney Houston so loud that I can hear it inside the mini mart 100 feet away, much to everyone's chagrin.
When I return, I once again have the car to myself...nice.
From there, I head to play some hoop—until my buddy Cav calls from prison to warn me that A) a storm is pending, and B) never speak to anyone about anything because it'll get me thrown in prison like him.
I next find myself in a store parking lot, where Chicken is, ironically, lugging a turkey back to his ride. He's struggling badly, even though he's using both hands to do the lugging. I provide assistance and end up helping him start Thanksgiving dinner.
But before it finishes... ...skip to a comedy show. where the performer begins his act by freezing up and saying nothing for several seconds. I bring the house down when I shout "This dude is up there listenin' instead of talkin'!"
Next, audience members and I then discuss EA Sports MVP Baseball '17 as well as Rich Gannon's Raiders stint before we all take turns improvising songs that begin with the line "My mama told me boys don't cry..." Fun times.
ZERO Calories? I Need A Closer Look (November 15, 2017)
Things begin on a happy note: my cousin Ashanti, who died nine years ago just before turning 31, is back from the dead and bonding with my daughter, who never got to meet her. If only dreams did come true...
...ok, maybe not all dreams. Skip to me living in a brand new apartment, with one of my old friends "Russ" as a roommate. Russ is dating an extremely unattractive woman (as he once did IRL), and I decide to give the two of them a little privacy. When I return, the two of them are standing outside the unit, and "Tanya" isn't particularly pleased I'm back. So I do what any normal dude would do under the circumstances—hoist her up and make out with her right in front of Russ. Note: IRL, I'd make out with a goat first.
Skip to a convenience store—a few people are shopping, but the owners are convinced a theft has taken place and make the customers empty all their pockets on the counter before allowing any purchases. Except me; since I'd already set my stuff down before suspicions arose, I'm allowed to pay for my multiple bottles of soda normally.
As I'm walking back home, a guy who had been in the store somehow emerges from a building ahead of me, and guns down two people in a passing car. To avoid a similar fate, I pretend to be reading the label on one of my sodas, hoping to convince ol' Mr. 187 that I witnessed nothing. It works.
Lastly, a British, yellow-toothed, but non-ugly woman plops next to me in a car. Once again I follow standard procedure and commence smooching (can't I just TALK to females?) When finished, I scamper off with two baseballs and a mitt hoping to join a game underway at my old elementary school. End vision.
Just Keep Going, Short Bus (November 14, 2017)
I leave the 1250 and walk toward my old high school, but in the vicinity are two baseball teammates from the 00's, discussing porno so vile I don't even want to risk overhearing another word. Convinced they'll try to involve me, I hurry my pace up the hill and widen the distance...only for them to talk louder in a passive/aggressive attempt to mess with me. So now I'm walking super fast with my hands on my ears uphill. It's some visual.
Somehow, I end up back at the 1250, watching a split-screen through my window of a bald (actor) John McGinley and a regular John McGinley each preparing to commit homicide. Acting fast, I make my way to an unlocked safe, remove my own IRL spare car keys, and turn them over to a cop in a British uniform...crisis averted. Don't ask me how, though.
Take Him To General Hospital! (November 13, 2017)
Two IRL soap characters, Scott and Noah, pursue a bad guy through an airport. Action scenes abound, much climbing and hustling, until Scott finally corners the guy on a downhill luggage belt. The guy leaps off into the custody of waiting officers...but Scott is so distracted by the capture that he gets his legs amputated by the machine as he slides through. No good deed...
Next thing I know it is nightfall, and I'm at our local CVS waiting for my mom to pick me up (even though it's within walking distance). She drives right past me even as I scream and wave furiously. I hustle down the road to stop her and wind up inside the store again...as does she, still driving the car. At this point I am not sure I want to ride with my mom anymore.
Also at one point I find myself hitching up a Chinese woman's pantyhose without permission or reprimand. Must be a cultural thing.
I Carried This Team (November 8, 2017)
It's the Super Bowl, Patriots vs. Chiefs. Which, for you non-football fans, cannot currently happen IRL because both teams are in the same conference.
I'm a Patriot, and we're trailing big to the Chiefs late in the game. Our QB is not Tom Brady; rather, Big Ben Roethlisberger calls the signals, and on this particular play he ends up on my shoulders. IRL this would compress my spine and put me in a wheelchair, but anything's possible in a Night Vision.
With Ben (and ball) atop my shoulders, I charge downfield, busting through the KC defense all the way to paydirt...which pulls us within five TD's (58-26). The game ends, and though we got crushed, I'm overjoyed just to have participated and watch a highlight show just to see my name/image on display.
Soon after, in a grocery store, a little girl asks "Did you see the Super Bowl?" I reply "I was IN the Super Bowl!" She's confused until I show her my highlight reel on the in-store TV—a montage that, unfortunately, ends with me yelling celebratory obscenities to my teammates...oops. Still elated upon leaving, all my joy turns into immediate rage when a 4th-grade classmate and her brother goof off behind my car as I'm trying to back out.
Later taking place: me digging for a Batman NES game to play with my uncle, digging for any mail addressed to my long-deceased cousin, riding with a family past my favorite basketball court now overrun by giant spiders, a wrestling match ending with all four combatants sprawled face-up in the ring, and me guaranteeing the 1990 A's will homer within five batters and then throwing a ball over the "fence" to ensure it happens.
If She Dies...Is He A "Serial" Killer? (November 7, 2017)
When you're a soap fan as I am, you end up with Night Visions where many of the actors who grace your screen drop into your subconscious for surprise visits—like tonight.
Cameron Mathison, currently of Extra but formerly a longtime star of All My Children, is on some run-down porch with my IRL pal Luke. (No, not Luke from General Hospital.) In what passes for the yard, my mom directs me to them as she leaves—the duo is pumped to show off their latest mastered skill....the triangle. No, not the famed Bulls/Lakers offense—I mean the instrument. Damn that Geico commercial.
Eventually Luke shoots up some coke and takes off driving down a desolate back road to do donuts. But as one could expect, this doesn't end well; he accidentally wipes out The Bold And The Beautiful star Jacqueline Wood. (IRL, the odds of that girl in outerspace better the odds of her on a road like this, but since when do Night Visions follow logic?)
Finally, I find myself walking through some downtown, trying to track down Brooklyn Nine-Nine's Melissa Fumero (who, a decade ago, starred on One Life To Live under the name Melissa Gallo). Apparently, Melissa recently hit me with a car and I want to offer her forgiveness. I find her and give a hug, one which she doesn't exactly reciprocate. Instead of welcoming forgiveness, she is only concerned with a guy she sees in the distance and hastily ends our barely-conversation to catch up with him.
Now suddenly lugging a large gym bag, I enter the old-town shop nearby but embarrassingly struggle to retrieve a pack of hot dogs from their cooler.
Torture...And Tortillas? (November 6, 2017)
It begins with me witnessing, and then becoming, a man being tortured by the mob in a movie. It ends with me watching my daughter and her friend happily grocery shopping, wanting to do it entirely on their own. In hindsight...this may not have been worth mentioning. I thought the wild contrast between the two segments made it worthy. I was wrong. Dead wrong.
It's My Range "Rover" (November 1, 2017)
After a series of commercials promoting King Of The Hill and Malcolm In The Middle movies, I find myself on Wheel Of Fortune, where the already-bastardized wheel features fewer true dollar spaces than ever—now there's even spaces where you must guess the letters in the dollar amount in addition to the puzzle.
After a bit of this, we skip to Taco Bell, where my colleagues dance on the job and everyone's happy....until they dance TOO hard to one song, make a giant mess, and all get fired. As a result, my duties expand, including dragging our foldaway benches across the restaurant. But when I do, a flap slams down HARD and just misses the heads of two elderly men at the counter.
Though nobody seems to notice, I am horrified and sneak out of the place before I can do any actual damage. Unfortunately, my car has morphed into a little black dog that won't stay still long enough for me to attempt restoration.