Night Visions, May 2018

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

Hey, She Said She's Sorry (May 31, 2018)

 

I'm picking Josie up from school on foot, where we'll be gathered by my mom and uncle via car. My uncle annoyingly texts location updates every 15 seconds or so, yet I still beat him to Josie's room. She pouts about a broken binder, which is actually just a broken divider, exasperating me.

Everyone meets up, then pass a group of high school kids having a profane discussion about sexual exploits before...reaching the July 4 parade. I'm set to drum; mama and daughter are a few seats behind me but uncle is MIA—with the car keys.


Though I have just one drumstick and a rolling pin to use, I drum halfway decently. At one point in the parade some official goes on the mike and disparages black people (though she's black herself). Boos rain down, the parade continues. She speaks again...more boos. But when she speaks a third time and offers a plain "I apologize for what I just said", the crowd roars with cheers, just like that! I'm bothered...but we soldier on.

Our trolley (or whatever it is) pulls up at a bar, where we're forced to watch two commercials before the song "Funkytown" starts to play, cueing the end of the parade. "We should find your uncle," my mom says. "I like how you say that as if we have a choice," I respond.

 

There's also a flat-against-the-wall public toilet scene that I didn't deem worthy of sharing. But you need to know it happened.

Stayed Up Too Late, Then COULDN'T Stay Up (May 30, 2018)

 

While in my apartment with Josie around 11pm, I answer a knock on the door; a young man charges in and goes on about his girl problems. Later, he's outside arguing with said girl publicly at 6am—I quickly shut the lights off and close the blinds to avoid a reunion.


Next, outside the 1250, an unrelated fight kicks off outside between two large, loud women, seemingly over a purse. This motivates me to...find my A-Team book. Due to clutter, only books I find are two children's books written by baseball legend Mike Piazza.

 

Later, an innocent man is arrested and tortured into confessing right there inside the 1250. He doesn't confess, instead ripping off his shirt to fight the officers...but damnit, the scene skips before a conclusion.

 

Finally, I have a 5:30 appointment, but my departure is delayed by overly difficult shoelaces, not to mention discovering a mystery hot dog and burger on my counter and wrestling with the decision to toss them or store them. (They get stored.)

I return from the appointment using crutches, much to my chagrin—until hearing the story of a dude who lost a foot after dropping a dumbbell on it. With this new perspective, I take on my challenge...and promptly collapse trying to go up the stairs. With the crutches impeding me, the fall goes on for what seems like a full minute...yay.

No Bruise...But No Burger, Either?! (May 29, 2018)

 

I'm driving through a pitch-black 707; one intersection has new traffic lights...but the ones in my direction show both red and green at once. Not noticing this til through the light, I try to turn around and capture a photo, but wind up in a nearby driveway...and wandering inside the home's entryway.

Snapping out of it, I return outside, where the home's owner catches up. I assure her I did not steal anything; she responds something like "You weren't inside long enough to steal". Feeling bad, I ask for a hug—she mishears it as asking for a hamburger. Upon clarification, we hug, and I even smooch the top of her neck, which should have earned me a bruise at minimum. But she acts as if this happens all the time, so off I go, bruise-free.

 

Things end with me scouring a 707 neighborhood for MLB milestone baseballs. Yep, I'm of the mind Ken Griffey Jr. just drove through this crap neighborhood and tossed his #600th home run ball out the window.

 

 

How NOT Rude! (May 28, 2018)

 

It's another Seinfeld episode, one which is set in the 1250. George, apparently having lost all his sense, feels up Elaine's legs as she's seated at a table. She's obviously not happy with this, and the embarrassed George reverse-somersaults into an adjacent room before fully absorbing her wrath.
Jerry is in this room, trying to get with a Polish girl who's overly emotional over god knows what. When Kramer arrives and begins lecturing her on Poland, she freaks and kicks him out of the room.

 

Skip to another early 90's sitcom, Full House, where Danny is excited about Duck Dynasty's premiere...because then Joey will make his infamous duck sounds. Phoebe and Ursula from Friends are present for some reason, and little Stephanie shows me some of her mediocre art...it's bad, even for a kid, so I just half-assed grin and nod.

 

 

Ray Fossil (May 26, 2018)

 

Oakland A's broadcaster Ray Fosse is now 87, but still working—even though perhaps he shouldn't be. He's on the air for a game being played in my bedroom, but mostly telling old, profanity-laced stories instead of calling the action.


Said action consists of me dropping two easy balls, catching another on a desperate second effort, and missing a fourth when it bangs off a TV antenna (what the hell year is this?)

One Life To Take (May 23, 2018)

 

One Life To Live character Victor Lord, Jr. owes money to five separate groups—they all show up outside his door after having Lord's checks bounce. I'm on the scene as well, and apparently a Lord supporter of some kind, because when he fails to answer the door and tensions rise, I quickly work to assure them "he's there. He'll pay you. I swear on my kid he'll pay you." (Note: I'd never do that IRL.)

 

Eventually Lord emerges in a bathrobe and doles out cash to all parties; they obviously count it first. Four groups are paid in full, while one declares "29%? I'll take it. But I'll be back." I do not even get a thank-you.

Skip to ex-NBAers Chris Webber and Baron Davis—C-Webb and I are taking on Davis and some other schlub in a game of 2-on-2. I'm initially guarding Baron at the 3-point arc, and for some reason my strategy is to look straight up in the air as he dribbles. As you might expect, he goes around me easily for a hoop.

 

Throughout the game, Webber gets easy shot after easy shot, but passes up many of them for reasons no one can grasp—forcing me to pick up the scoring slack. We still ultimately win, though Webber and Davis walk off wordlessly and leave me there.
Returning to my car, I check my Metro PCS phone while passing a row of brothas using Boost Mobile phones. Not one of them addresses me, obviously because of my phone—they must think I'm a fraud. (Little do they know I don't like talking, anyway!)

 

Next, the San Francisco Giants—managed by Warriors coach Steve Kerr—lose a World Series game to the Boston Red Sox, 5-0. Not helping: INV Giants outfielder Rondell White sat out to attend a Warriors game.

 

Finally, it's a closing scene of That 70's Show: the Foremans and Donna stand on a street corner, with Kitty bringing up several old family memories. Red, frustrated at his failing memory, finally bursts with anger and storms off. Kitty follows him to the middle of the road...topples him over...unzips him...and mounts him, to Eric and Donna's horror.

Hey, I Don't Do The Hiring! Go Away! (May 22, 2018)

 

I'm being interviewed for a job at Metro PCS; it's going so-so until I attempt to use their phone and, no matter how slow I go, can't press any buttons properly without an employee's help. A fellow applicant buddies up to me for some reason, even following me to a computer lab after the interview and plopping down to my right.

In the lab, I play a baseball game as the Baltimore Orioles vs. the Texas Rangers (even though the commentary covers the Cubs and Phillies). INV Oriole Jason Stokes hits a grand slam off Texas ace Cole Hamels; throughout the game the applicant keeps trying to "help" me with cables, my mouse, etc. even though I don't need any—the idea of working with this guy doesn't sit well.

 

So the next day, I return to Metro and withdraw my candidacy, but now my IRL cousin works there and needs a ride so I stand by. But when I go to pee, a staffer is hogging the john for a private phone call—apparently my cousin had the same problem, since she emerges from the back having wet herself. I still drive her home...but not before repossessing my clipboard from the stalker dude, who'd intentionally kept it for clearly creepy reasons.

 

 

Unintentional Grounding (May 20, 2018)

 

Once again, it's Law & Order: SVU. A gal is being interrogated by Stabler and Benson hard, until she finally cracks and confesses—the two detectives are left out of breath while the nameless assistant D.A. sobs at the drama.

Next, Alex and I visit my INV regular sandwich shop, then go to a park and set up a tiny football field (about 20 yards wide and 30 long). Shortly after play starts with some random scragglers, a drunk female crashes her convertible against a tree on the park's outskirts—torpedoing her body forward about 100 feet and literally smashing her skull on the ground. Somehow she still lives.

Alex and I return to the sandwich shop, where she buys me a sundae. However, the staff's whispers indicate I'm the one responsible for that woman's crash—they seem reluctant to serve me but finally do. "She crashed! She wasn't playin' no football!" I declare to all within earshot. Of course, I'm looked at like a psycho and not responded to. But I down that sundae!

 

Next, I'm visited by Chicken and his wife Emi, who wants to stop for meat. There is a new traffic light on the way that won't budge—I lose patience and run it, and though they're silent, I can FEEL the "WTF" from my friends. Yeah, guys: I'm a badass.
Emi searches for a good ground turkey deal and her husband is not happy with the extended price comparing. When they finally reach the counter, the joking butcher/cashier asks $5K for the meat. Chicken, still peeved, says nothing, so I step in and break the awkwardness with my own joke...which of course the butcher ignores. Well, f--- you too.

 

Outside the store, a bum tries to swap a pile of clothes with me for money. When I refuse, my buddy Juan turns up and chastises me: "Goodwill won't take third-hand stuff!" implying I'm this guy's only hope at converting the clothes into cash. I'm not moved.

 

 

Bruh, What Happened To Fist-Bumps? (May 19, 2018)

 

Actress Kim Coles of Living Single fame is now divorced and going by Kim Safagate. At one point INV she'd blown up to 600 pounds, but is now fit and in a new sitcom set in the past, but with futuristic technology—think The Flinstones with IPhones.
In one scene, Kim's husband is heading to work. He kisses her goodbye, then—not knowing what else to do—awkwardly kisses the ear of his homie goodbye as well.

 

Also, my child escapes from my mother's smoking car on her bike, pedaling around me on a cul-de-sac without bothering to report what just transpired.

 

 

When A Plan DOESN'T Come Together (May 18, 2018)

 

The film-version A-Team are fighting an Asian army as well as Asian businessmen during a banquet. From under the table, Hannibal attacks with flamethrowers and the team gains the upper hand...temporarily; assuming he's been killed, the team abandons Hannibal in a dark, rainy mud patch.

When the enemy tries to capture him, Hannibal shouts "Nobody's looking for me!!", dissuading their effort just like that. Eventually he staggers to a house where a family re-energizes him with soup. 

 

Things close with a bizarre Three's Company opening featuring the late actress Peggy Rea and some weird alien creature posing with the regular gang at the zoo.

 

 

Does He Drive A...Mirage? (May 16, 2018)

 

I'm walking to a park and pass a familiar-looking guy outside a van. "Hey, didn't I buy baseball cards from you earlier this year?" I call to him. He responds by looking me in the eye and slowly dematerializing. That doesn't help my self esteem.
As if I wasn't confused enough, on the park's softball diamond is an SUV with my daughter alone in the open back, not at all harmed or afraid. I guess this is my life now.

Not Frosted Flakes Fans? (May 15, 2018) 

 

Tonight, I'm reliving my high school days, playing lunchtime hoops with the Golden State Warriors vs. the Sacramento Kings (who feature a couple of middle school girls in their lineup). I manage to score once and make a nifty pass to an open Draymond Green, who misses the 3.
At halftime, I struggle to open my broken locker and draw a number of stares—"ANY OF Y'ALL STARIN' IS GONNA SEE MY D---!" I angrily scream. Eventually, I ask IRL former gym teacher Mr. Rasler for a new locker, and he goes to work on it (barefoot, but still).


Realizing it's time to play again, I return to the court—but it's now being used by a kids laser show; no other players are in sight. Making matters worse, Rasler is unable to repair or replace my broken locker, so no clean clothes. That means bye, school!


I then watch a TV documentary featuring sea creatures devouring a tiger underwater, working their way from its mouth backward...effectively creeping me out. Naturally, it turns out this is all taking place on my bedroom floor and I gotta clean it up—cue high-level dread.
Things close with a commercial obviously jabbing Rihanna and Chris Brown—a guy gives some girl candy, and she responds "I forgive you, Chris!" as the hit Brown song "Run It" plays.

A Day Of Creak Speak (May 14, 2018)

 

It's an episode of Hawaii 5-0 featuring me, IRL friend Joanna and some dude of the From Justin To Kelly mold (who does not speak) as detectives. Two women are to testify and are understandably afraid; my crew and I come up with secret chair/desk noises as code language. I do not understand how this would help in a trial...but whatever.


Skip to me and Josie at McDonald's; as of now, they only sell 1-piece McNugget meals, forcing me to buy six meals just to get six nuggets. Seeing how upset we are at this, the staff gives Josie a slice of cake while we wait (hey, I'M the one doing the spending!)

Once we get our food some woman needs a ride to the county fairgrounds—I oblige, and take a smooch as payment even though she's not that attractive.


The vision ends with my ex ranting and raving about her messy apartment and her grown daughter swearing at her in annoyance...I've been there.

Celebrities Suck (May 12, 2018)

 

I'm going camping with my college classmates, the cast of Ghostbusters, and the cast of Magnum, P.I. Despite all the added hands, I'm lugging everything. 

Down At The 50-Yard Feline (May 11, 2018)

 

This'll be a long one.

 

We begin with an entire Seinfeld episode; I'm proud of the detail and recollection.

Kramer gets Elaine and Jerry hooked on apples; they literally can't get enough. Jerry orders hair spray online, but it gets caught up in transit. George dates a younger woman, but SHE can't keep up with HIS energy...until she overhears him complain to Jerry about terrorism. She's never heard of 9/11 and suggests bombing "those people" to "get their attention" and show how "mean" they are. Oh, George...

 

Meanwhile, Jerry goes on a date with someone played by Jessica Tuck (Judging Amy, True Blood); a voice tempts him to start fires. Coincidentally, one DOES start at his building, threatening his flammable hair spray package which, naturally, has finally been delivered. Elaine complains to the responding fire chief about leaving their alarm blaring too long after leaving the station...he doesn't care. (Throughout the show, apples are sloppily gobbled.)

 

Once the "episode" ends, I try to organize a BBQ/softball game, but my contact book is full of mostly Winnie The Pooh characters, 1987 Topps cards and a greeting card/pic of some woman I can't identify. Skip to the 1250; I'm playing living room football with IRL friends Charles, Ryan and Raff, running an interception back for a TD (the grand distance of about five yards.) But when my mom stops by, cats follow her in, get everywhere and ruin the game.

 

Next, with a microphone attached to his ankle, Giants announcer Duane Kuiper pitches the 7th inning of a Giants blowout. LF Hunter Pence chases a ball in the corner so slowly that the batter tries for an inside-the-park homer, but is thrown out. Out #2 is made by the RF on leaping horseback. Out #3 is me charging from the dugout to cover first base, diving to field the throw. The home plate ump was distracted by on-field idiots yelling "Happy Birthday" prior to the pitch, yet play continued. (Hey, they let a damn horse on the field; why not me??)

Continuing the baseball theme, former MLB star/manager Dusty Baker asks if I've been to a Cubs game since their legend Ernie Banks died, I mishear it as "Has Ernie Banks been to a Cubs game since he died?" Dusty: "I didn't say nothin' bout no zombie s---", cracking me up. He then turns sinister and demands I tell him everything I know about his ex-teammate Dave Stewart.

 

At long last, things close with Full House actress Jodie Sweetin, 35ish, asking me how to get her dad to let her stay out late.

Excuse Me, My Boobs Are Down THERE (May 10, 2018)

 

At some community college, a student wants to sit in on a class she didn't sign up for. The receptionist tells me to tell the professor to use some name like "Shonda" or "Wanda" giving permission to the student—she sounds confident it'll work. I shakily try this tactic...but fail awesomely; the professor ejects us both. Oh, well.

 

Next, I'm in a dark lot next to my car trying to talk up the greatness of S.F. Giants manager Bruce Bochy with him, INV new manager Mike Matheny, and some tow-truck driver. I'm struggling to make my point when a leggy, visually-impaired lawyer emerges from the store and heads for a cafe across the lot. She's put a box down near us and forgotten it; I walk it over to her. Already, some dude named Harry is seated across from her, about to spit game.

 

The uninterested lawyer asks me what Harry looks like—I respond "Hairy!". She laughs, which earns ME the invite to her place, but when I try to converse a bit, she gets upset—she WANTS somebody drawn to her body instead of her mind for once. Lady...that is NOT a problem.

Drag While Dragging (May 9, 2018)

 

Things begin with me at the 1250 pissing all over myself for absolutely no reason. Removing the mattress is a colossal struggle with people around, one of those being my uncle dressed up as my mom. Clearly not expecting to be seen, we both exchange "You keep quiet, and I'll keep quiet" glances as I dispose my evidence at last.

 

Next, I've planned a Star Trek: The Next Generation-themed birthday surprise for M.A.S.H.'s Loretta Swit. She's not at all down with this, and I'm left sadly playing the guitar alone. (For the record, I watched neither of those shows.)

 

Skip to our local grocery store; I scour from end to end but there's just NO lunch meat. 95.7 KGMZ's Bonta Hill rings up my groceries, then abandons the rest of the line to take them to my car...which is actually HIS car. Close enough. On the way, I encounter Hill's radio partner Greg Papa, who's been beaten up. A bit later, he shows up at his assailant's door as "RoboCop" saying off-the-wall stuff like "I'm RoboCop, right?" and "They got a nice house, huh?"

 

Orange juice before bed is powerful stuff...

Well, He Was Gonna Die Either Way (May 8, 2018)

 

Pants-shopping time—I solicit the opinion of a few randoms; should I pick the best fitting, best looking, or best priced pair? One looks around with her palms out as if to say "Get them ALL, idiot!". Good advice.

 

Next, I'm on the set of a sitcom I've apparently starred in for three years. We're rehearsing with a 9-year-old actor who mistakenly looks my way as he says "What's for breakfast, Mom?" I rudely scold "I'm NOT your mom." He bows his head sadly, as if he's heard that many times...I suck.

 

On the way off set, I spot what looks to be a fresh, untouched Church's Chicken thigh in the trash and STRONGLY consider wolfing it down as I dump said trash before realizing where that could leave me.

Finally, I wind up hiking and fishing—my first catch bounces and thrashes on a long, plastic dock as I desperately try to corral it. Unfortunately, it thrashes back into the lake and drowns. At least I witnessed history.

Ven Y Llama A Nuestra Puerta (May 6, 2018)

 

I'm walking somewhere when some dudes hassle me for money; I stand my ground. Embarrassed at how easily his boyz got punked, one dude leaves with me and sets out to find a job—his brother is ill. Good for him, right?

Well, no—I later learn on TV that his "boyz" killed him on a railroad track. (An old man at the bus stop presses me for details; random nosies get all up in my personal space as I explain. Get the HLN app, losers!)

 

Next, I'm in a courtroom, where several soap characters are suing New Orleans Pelicans guard Rajon Rondo (there's a joke in there about the lawsuit stemming from Rondo errantly shooting at them...but I can't word it.)

I catch a smarmy prosecutor, clearly up to no good, whiting out a document before I can stop him. To wipe the grin off his face, I open a door to reveal one of his clients on the toilet (Viki Lord of One Life To Live).

 

Things wrap with Josie and I watching Three's Company, only Chrissy has black hair and Janet only speaks Spanish.

You Borrow BOOKS Here, Buddy (May 3-4, 2018)

 

We begin with me at a school, tasked with taking two kids (that aren't mine) from their recess to a playdate. As I stand waiting, it occurs to me that people will think I'm out to do the kids harm, so instead of picking the kids up, I go to the restroom nervous as hell that the cops will bust me any minute...damn near having a coronary when a random guy enters as I exit. Never doing that again...

 

Next, there's a baseball scrimmage with me playing first base. One problem: it's indoors, and the first base area is heavily obstructed with clutter and I can barely move. IRL bud Paul walks over, seemingly to clear the mess...but instead he just leaves half-eaten Chinese food on top of it. Soon, teams are picked, and I—presumably for my poor clutter-affected defense—am passed over entirely. F---.

 

Later, I need to borrow sanitizer from a displeased librarian. Suddenly a "lockdown" is executed and three uniformed dudes go around searching bags, including mine. All I have is the Payday board game, thankfully, so I escape with only a pained look.

Following a bunch of One Life To Live stuff,  and a brief Friends scene where the gang learns Janice's real name is Phoebe, we jump to a Philadelphia Eagles game in which they repeatedly attack the referees over bad calls as I shoot an ad in the stands for some S'mores-type treat that takes forever to eat.

 

Finally, I run into an old high school friend who makes plans to give me art (that I didn't ask for). He also shares his plan to pick up a baby from Georgia.

 

Could It Be Your Vanity, Perhaps? (May 2, 2018)

 

For some reason, I'm roadside on a Toronto freeway; traffic is stopped so a Pride sign—which had been lying across the road but somehow undamaged—can be raised. Leaving this scene, I reach a knoll with an oversized fold-up screen with options for "Best Music" including Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love Of All". There are no ways to actually select/vote on an option, so it's basically a huge waste of time.

 

In closing, I enter an office lobby where a woman wonders why, despite being attractive, she hasn't been promoted—pointing out her various physical attributes as she does so.

 

How Many Damn People Lose Their Pants Here? (May 1, 2018)

 

After recounting actor Carl Weathers INV baseball career with him, I find myself inside Home Depot about to pay for my stuff...until realizing I forgot something. Heading to the back, I have trouble keeping my pants up and repeatedly try to find a secluded aisle/area to lift them up and tighten the belt...to no avail.

 

Next thing I know, I've left these pants at an In-And-Out Burger somehow. But both times I return to claim them, I'm given the wrong ones; the manager even tries convincing me I have the correct pants when I don't. I stand my ground and finally have MY pants returned to me, sharing the news with my crying mother on the phone.