Blog: Stop The Presses! I Think I Might Be Weird

(originally written 11/16/10)

Earlier this month, I met a guy who, to be blunt, weirded the shit out of me. This dude put the oddball from Mariah Carey’s “Touch My Body” video to shame. At one point we just stood there staring into each other’s eyes saying nothing for five full seconds. I didn’t know WHAT was up with this fella, and I didn’t want to find out. WEIRDO!

But then I thought: who am I to call anybody weird? I’m not exactly a model of normalcy myself.  The more I thought about it, the more it bugged me that I COULD be the weirder of us two. I mean, just check out the facts:

⦁    If no books are available, I’m known to bring food packages or credit card statements from 2004 to read in the john.
⦁    When my friends point out “conventional” hotties to me, I’ll dismissively reply something like “Eh, she’s too attractive”. And mean it.
⦁    As referenced in a previous blog, the movie College Road Trip made me cry somehow.
⦁    For no reason at all, I like to stand motionless as thrown balls clang off my torso. No matter the sport, I do that once a game.
⦁    If I have a bad dream about a loved one, I’ll call them to hear them answer the phone. Satisfied they’re still alive, I’ll hang up without saying anything.
⦁    Once a week I’ll have something like spaghetti for breakfast and pancakes for dinner.
⦁    When advising others, I’ll often cite Beverly Hills 90210. (“Yeah, things are bad now, but remember when David was about to get beaten up by that loan shark until Dylan saved him at the last minute?”)
⦁    If I’m particularly happy, I will walk down the street with a huge smile on my face. 
⦁    I actually require people to apply to become my best friend. I’ve got a prepared application on file, one of which I recently distributed to a potential candidate. (He didn’t qualify.)
⦁    Whenever I play the Tiger Woods PGA Tour video game, the theme from The A-Team TV show must run in the background. (Yes, I downloaded it.)
⦁    I cannot bring myself to use a urinal—too terrified of backsplash or someone trying to touch me. And I REALLY can’t go outdoors, even on camping trips!
⦁    If I’m in a bar, restaurant, etc. and it gets too crowded, I’ll just leave—even in the middle of sentences.
⦁    Whereas most guys see cute girls and think “I’d totally bang that”, I think “I’d totally cuddle that”.
⦁    It is not uncommon for me to hop in my ride wearing a coat—then turn up the A.C. AND roll the windows down.
⦁    For over 25 years now, I’ve been chillingly afraid of the end of the Tina Turner “What’s Love Got To Do With It” video, when an unbelievably frightening artists’ rendition of Tina is shown.
⦁    Sometimes, when it’s cold, I’ll use coffee in my cereal rather than milk.
⦁    If I’m waiting to cross the street and a car stops to “let” me, I won’t go—even if other people do. Don’t want to give people the “satisfaction” of helping me.
⦁    Also, on the rare occasions I try to cross the street when the hand is blinking, but it turns red before I’m fully across, I’ll run BACK to where I WAS rather than forward.
⦁    I think Be Cool is the greatest movie of all-time.
⦁    Love love LOVE the smell of new mitts and baseball cards. I will snort those objects like they’re cocaine.
⦁    Once a year I have a recurring dream in which I’m back working fast food, where I’d languished to pay for school years ago. Each dream is the same—the menu has changed so drastically since my time that I can’t keep up. I get frustrated and quit, stripping out of my uniform and underwear and storming out of the place naked.
⦁    If a movie/show/event is over-promoted, no matter how interested I am, I won’t go. I’d anticipated seeing the A-Team movie for weeks, but they ran SO many ads for it that I refused to see it out of spite.
⦁    Love 80’s music so much that if I find out an 80’s song actually ISN’T an 80’s song, I’ll reject it and never listen to it again.
⦁    If I bump into someone I haven’t seen in years, and they say “HIIII!” and stop to talk, I’ll say “Hi!” and keep going.
⦁    I typically will not “eat off” another male’s food, share cup/straw, etc. because it is too similar to kissing. The only time I will is if at least two other males are doing it along with me. I don’t know what that says about me, and I don’t WANT to.
⦁    Because I absolutely cannot handle contortion, I can’t always watch two people kissing in movies if one, especially the guy, has his hands on the other’s face. I’m too afraid he’s going to try to snap her neck and will actually HIDE MY EYES from the smooch.
⦁    While most people set their alarms for 7:00 or 5:30 or whatever, I set mine for times like 7:28 and 6:14.
⦁    People doing jumping jacks laterally will cause me to laugh hysterically. Especially if they start out doing them in place.
⦁    I get a big kick out of speaking to “regular” suburban types as if I’m one of them, then interjecting something totally inappropriate. Example: While in D.C. I was at the zoo and chatted up such a type who had a powerful SLR. After asking him a few serious questions in the most mature, adult manner I could, I asked him would his lens be powerful enough to actually see up the elephant’s butt—never changing my tone.
⦁    While I love myself, I HATE anyone who is like me. I had a co-worker named Everett and just about everything he said could have been me. His interests were mine, his opinions were mine. I couldn’t stand him and called him horrible names (in my head).
⦁    If a traffic light takes too long to change, I honk at it.
⦁    When people ask me if I have the time, I give bizarre answers, such as “Yeah, but not all of it” or “No. Why, do you?”
⦁    Sometimes, if I see obvious trash lying around, I’ll pick it up and put it CLOSER TO the trash can but not in, cuz I don’t think I should have to throw away other people’s stuff.
⦁    I’ve been known to get so mad at video game losses, I’ll cancel plans that had been made days or even weeks ago. Did this once for a birthday party and another time for a job interview.
⦁    If a “hottie” walks by and every other guy is gawking at her, I won’t, just because I don’t want to be “grouped” with the others. I’ve seen hotties before. What’s the point?
⦁    I keep a map of everywhere I could possibly go on a whim in my car…just in case.
⦁    I quit jobs, GOOD jobs, for ridiculous reasons. Once, because I wanted to play basketball. Another, because a customer didn’t complain when she SHOULD have and I couldn’t stand having it over my head.
⦁    If I have a plate of wings and dipping sauce and they touch each other before I’m fully ready to eat, I’ll wipe the sauce off.
⦁    Every so often I’ll wake up during the night—but not completely—and my mind will think I’m still at work even though I can SEE that I’m not. I’ll start freaking out, wondering if all my deliveries are ready or if I’m behind schedule. Even though I’m in my own bedroom. It takes about a minute for my mind to fully awaken.
⦁    My standards for adding people to my Facebook page are pretty high; I consider some friend requests the way normal people consider wedding proposals. In fact, I stayed up til 4am once debating whether or not one guy from my past was worth adding today (ultimately deciding no.)
⦁    Certain movie scenes that are supposed to be tragic or thrilling end up making me laugh HARD because of how they’re acted or edited. Like Wayne Knight’s death scene in Jurassic Park, or Peter’s elderly aunt repeatedly falling from a skyscraper in Spider Man 2. Additionally, though I was NOT a fan of the show, I happened to see when Willow’s lesbian lover was shot to death out of the blue on Buffy The Vampire Slayer—and I almost spit my drink out, I laughed so hard (even though I’m told that was probably the most tragic moment that show ever had). 
⦁    Sometimes I have cravings for bowls—not glasses—of milk. I don’t lap them up with my tongue but still.
⦁    I take intimate moments with girlfriends way too far. For example, I used to hug one and tell her “I love you. I would never, ever slice you down the middle with a dagger, rip out your guts, and feed them to the stray cats by the dumpster.”
⦁    Sometimes, when I’m bored, I play characters with strangers. One is a gangsta, one is an overly-cheerful freak, another is a hillbilly with low education.
⦁    When I’m in an intense argument, one that drags on and on, by the time it reaches the end my movements, voice and even expressions greatly resemble that of a flaming homosexual.
⦁    I often burp in the middle of laughing spells and coughing fits.
⦁    I draw bears on my napkins when at sit-down restaurants and then complain that others did it before I got there. These bears wear unusual accessories such as eye patches, bowties, and even earrings. One had braces.
⦁    Most people get either super-happy, mean or sad when drunk. In my case, I become a civil rights leader and preach to my friends about injustice and oppression.
⦁    I actually enjoy shivering.
⦁    If I’m listening to the radio and someone stands in front, I demand that they move as if I can see what I’m hearing.
⦁    If I bring something to the check-out counter that is priced higher than I thought, I get embarrassed and just walk out of the store, leaving my entire purchase behind.
⦁    When alone, I rehearse any possible arguments with anyone, including police, I could find myself getting into that day. 

…so if I ever see that dude again, I’ll offer to take him out for breakfast. We’ll have spaghetti and cereal with coffee. It’ll be a blast.