Blog: When I Get To Heaven

(originally written 4/15/20)

About five years ago, some female entered our apartment complex, went to someone's door, and basically went bats--- nuts screaming the name of "ALEX!!!" repeatedly. The Alex in question did not respond—who would—and eventually, the nut ran out of energy and slinked away.


I usually don't care about stuff like this, so long as I'm not involved or disturbed. This time, however, I was intrigued. I wanted to know more.
But barring a repeat scene, I knew I never would. The mystery was filed away under "Things I Will Investigate Upon Reaching The Afterlife".


That's far from the only investigation that'll be launched that day.


After presenting Jesus (or his manager, or whoever runs things up there) the "ALEX!!!" mystery, I'm hoping he'll accept a little more prodding, because I've got a lifetime worth of blanks that need filling. For the purposes of this blog, I'll assume the big guy operates under a 10-question limit per soul. 
(And I'll exclude the obvious "Who was into me back in the day?" because everybody wants to ask that question; it'd make sense for the angels to present everyone with a pamphlet as soon as they reach the beyond. We'll also assume "what's the meaning of life" and "what started the universe are also answered in the pamphlet.)


Question 1: The "ALEX!!!" Girl.


Question 2: What the hell happened to the $8 from my 8th-grade pockets that morning? It was there...then it wasn't. (Question 2A: I also lost my epic, 250-plus page story "Bob, Phil, Joe and Tootsie" around that time. It was just as dumb as it sounded, but still.) (1994)


Question 3: What happened to Josie's Beanie Baby that I dropped in Food Maxx four years ago and never found? It was in my hand, then it wasn't. She was devastated and I felt like total s--- for days. (2016)


Question 4: Around 2005, an elderly couple I was delivering to, clearly dealing with loneliness, invited me to dinner. They didn't live near me so I tried to decline politely. Still, the wife ended up in tears. I never delivered to them again, and would like to know what became of them. (2005)


Question 5: Where did those damn keys to my new Honda disappear to? I'd walked to Wal-Mart and upon getting back near home, I realized...no keys. I retraced my steps. Nothing. Not a trace. (2018)


Question 6: Where did those damn keys to my old Honda disappear to? I returned home from the hoop courts. Unlocked the door to get in. Got in. Keys never seen again. They couldn't have been grabbed from the lock; we have a security door. Makes me kind of believe in the paranormal. (2016)


Question 7: Why did "Shannon", a good friend of mine, stop talking to me even though we were doing good? We spent a whole day together, had a good time, then she forgot I existed. I reached out, got a FB apology, but little did I know we were done. We haven't spoken in over six years. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. (2014)


Question 8: Why did Paul, an even better friend of mine, abandon our whole circle never to be heard from again? (2002)


Question 9: How did that car on Interstate 5 end up on the side of a hill with no road around? (2018)


Question 10: What happened to the bat and glove I discarded following an epic tantrum at the baseball field? The bat was special, the glove was brand new; I miss them both today. (2006)


It was surprisingly tough to even come up with 10 questions, though I'm sure I'll create a few new mysteries between now and the time I bite it.
For the time being, I'll leave the stuffed animals at home, zip up the keys/money, accept any octogenarian invites and do a better job of eavesdropping on my bats--- nutty neighbors.